Xero's other waste of space

i got a new scooper thing and my litter fits through it which is so fucking useful now I don’t have to dig through shit which is not really fun at all let me tell you. those automatic ones are only for clumping litter aND SODIUM BENTONITE IS EVIL K. so yeah kitty is fine and I’m happy so whatever.

oh yes the other day I thought of something. maybe depression is really the same as hating yourself. If so, then you could just stop being depressed about hating yourself and just not care. Yay! Anyway I might be talking out my ass but it’s quite possible since I still hate everyone and I’m happy and I stopped caring about all that stupid shit.

all the shit I ever post on here is weird. I’m not sure if I really mean any of it or just do it for attention, but then again how can I do it for attention? I mean who the fuck pays attention to my journal? Who would want to? It’s fucking retarded. My cat is sleeping. I am going to buy a new scooper for his litter box tomorrow I think. Sodium bentonite is evil.

SO I AM NOW. I’m not sure what to post about because lately I’ve not had to deal with much shit from people, other then stupid comments. I hate stupid comments. The funny thing about stupid comments is that most of the time the person knows they’re saying something stupid that will piss you off but they’ll be in total denial. I am tired of people who think they can predict my paranoia. It’s not predictable. Even I can’t predict it. Give up fools. Not say humans aren’t predictable because sometimes they are, but this is retarded. And that’s not to mention that anytime someone has tried to predict me they were wrong, even though sometimes they convinced themselves otherwise. I think I’ve figured something out. Ego = mental territory. Most of the times when people have tried to predict me was when they were trying to prove me wrong. And why would they want to do that? To raise their ego of course! I concur that people are dumb. My cat is smarter then you.

he’s on some antibiotics and he’s also got some parasite thing and I got pills for that. He should be better within a week…my last post was fucking retarded I don’t know why I wrote it. I just wanted to write something so I started making myself think about fucking retarded things in the past. I am not worrying about that shit anymore, it’s not worth it. anyway kitty is sleeping and I think at 11:00 I’m going to give him his 2nd dose of the antibiotics. I’m hungry now I want to go get some food but I’m kinda lazy. oh well, I’ll get some later.

I wish I were as happy and playful as my kitten is. I am kinda depressed now for the first time in a while. I was reminded of the past again. No panic attack as of yet…but I hate when this happens. I’m stuck in a thought that isn’t worth thinking about. I hope writing this doesn’t further it. I’m not sure what to do. I feel kind of euphoric again…okay what the fuck I am like tricking myself into thinking shit to write here…I am indeed depressed and stuck in a thought and all but I was about to write something that I didn’t mean.

I’m thinking of things and basically was about to write them without really agreeing with the thought yet. Why does the past piss me off so much? Probably because I don’t remember it and my mind makes up the missing pieces of my memory, but it always does it in a bad way. Why? It sometimes is as bad as I make it out to be but only very occasionally. The way some people are, just the thought of it annoys me. Mainly thinking of someone who thought they could understand everyone…as if the world and mind is so simple…What’s the point anyway? All they ever did was try to manipulate people and lead them into an oblivion of contradictions. Ha, as if their own judgment was any better then anyone else’s.

I myself have tried to understand other people a few times with failure – it’s not possible to truly understand anyone. Or maybe I just don’t understand myself? How is that even possible though, to understand yourself? Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Sometimes when I write about these things I see them in myself, but I’m never really sure if I am correct or not. I’m going to list a few times I’ve thought I saw something in myself but wasn’t sure. First one is from this post, amazingly.

1. All they ever did was try to manipulate people and lead them into an oblivion of contradictions. Ha, as if their own judgment was any better then anyone else’s.

I talked about some of my opinions with them, but I only persisted because they persisted. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. I’m not sure who’s fault this is, because if they had let it go, none of it would have happened. I have known 2 people who do this, them, and their “friend.” The funny thing is the same would happen the other way around, if they stated their opinion and I disagreed they’d argue it with me. So I suppose it was like an oblivion of contradictions. I always thought this was their fault though, as this never happened with anyone else but them, but wasn’t I just as bad by continuing it? Then again, they wouldn’t let it stop until they won. I never won with them. I suppose they constantly raised their ego while hurting others. Why didn’t I notice this? I’m not sure.

2. believing in bullshit and stuck in constant denial.

well, I suppose this ones a bit explanatory, if I am indeed making up pieces of memory in bad ways I would indeed, believe in it and deny anything else. Though, I can think of times when this wouldn’t be true about my memory, but it’s valid sometimes, I think? The post this was from (on the 16th of July) was about the same person as this post is. Strange, I suppose? I guess I question whether I was right or wrong about that person, or maybe the reason why I’m so stuck on it is because both of us were wrong? Then who was right?

Well the “friendship” ended indirectly but their accusations were entirely incorrect, that’s according to the 3rd person involved at least. So I’m not really sure. It’s another situation where I got caught in the middle. It’s hard to lay the blame on anyone I suppose. One is still my friend, one isn’t. So I was screwed in the end, which always happens in those situations. Then again, my friend was screwed in that one too because they don’t talk to my friend any longer either, so if both of us were screwed then who’s fault was it really? I had trusted the one person more then the other and that is the person I ended up staying friends with. Even so, the person I trusted less, had been telling both of us 2 different stories. Unless the person I trusted was lying, of course, which could change the whole thing. I think that the person who isn’t our friends anymore wanted a reason to hate me and my friend, a reason to no longer talk to us, and lied to us and them self to get it. Otherwise, they’d probably have talked to me again to at least verify what they were thinking. Instead, they assumed. They’d done things like it before. Ignorance is bliss huh? That’s what they once told me, but I say bullshit, you can deny it to everyone else but you cannot deny it to yourself because the truth will always be there. You’d just be a coward in the end. Something they seemed deeply against. Ah, hypocrite.

Imagine someone who you can talk to one minute and be their best friend. Then the next minute they’re constantly degrading you. Pointing out your flaws. Funny because I do that too. Maybe we had similarities and the things that I hated most about that person were the things I also did. Which reminds me of something someone told me in a comment (in response to my post about how people are fake and piss me off.) I was thinking, I never point out anyones flaws unless they start complaining to me, funny because they did the same thing to me. Thing is, I never did it to them, but I do it to other people. Why didn’t I do it to them? Probably because they were very concealed. Paranoid maybe? Then again so am I. Why do I look at this other person and only see myself? It must be because the things I hate the most were our similarities. I guess maybe I do hate myself. I’m still confused and its been months since this happened. Why hate the entire human race? It’s so much easier just to hate just one person. Yourself.

KITTY SAYS MEOW!!!

kitty also says GIVE ME WET CANNED FOOD!
I say no because he already had one and he’s being greedy!

kitty invades trash can only to find empty wet food can.
I say go eat your dry food and wait until tomorrow.

kitty looks at me and meows.
I say NO KITTY EAT THE DRY FOOD

kitty eats the dry food and waits until tomorrows feeding.
I am glad that kitty had decided to be patient.

kitty lays on lap and then gets up and looks at the monitor and licks it. Soon after kitty steps on my mouse which selects everything I was typing and deletes it.
I laugh and retype this journal post.

kitty lays back on my lap.
I pet kitty.

THE END!~!~

why do some people always feel the need to get support of others, especially when they get in a fight with someone, they always look for people who hate them, or people who will be convinced to hate them. I know this is true because I’ve done it myself, but I don’t anymore. I don’t need to. I can just write about it here. I don’t ask for support here, now do I? How can one admit their own problem, then get mad at someone over it, after they’ve admitted it? That does not make any sense at all. It’s like a giant flaming contradiction and I have to be stuck in the middle of it all.

How can you claim you invented something and yet only because you inspired someone? For example, someone creates an idea. They were the first person who created it, but probably went unnoticed and were forgotten. Later on someone else creates it, and someone sees their work and likes it, then they try to make their own. It is not stealing to copy an idea. Especially when you didn’t create it. This reminds me of the RIAA a bit. Music is ideas. So rock was invented, people made rock music, you don’t see the people who started that going out and suing over it. It’s not like they copied their music and said it was their own. They copied the idea. They were inspired. And if they hadn’t copied it, it probably would have died.

That’s the thing here. You can’t stop anyone from copying an idea. That’s what ideas are for. Inspiration and sharing. Why would one be against sharing knowledge? Perhaps it hurts their ego, or their money income. If you rip a cd to mp3s and share it, you are not stealing. You have not stole an idea. You cannot steal an idea, it is impossible. What would be stealing would be to claim that you made that music, or to put possession over those mp3s, to say you made them, when you actually all you did was change the format it is in. You did not make what they contain.

So, in the end here you have an idea. You didn’t make what this idea contains, but you made things off of this idea. This is a good thing. Anyone who thinks otherwise is bad news.

wtf should I write about? I dunno. my cat is sleeping. And I’m kinda tired. My friend was over last night and we played with kitty. OH YES. I named it, but I’m not a big name fan, so I’m trying not to make a big deal out of it like everyone else does. anyways not much has happened lately so I don’t have much to write about. Actually, I’m kind of hungry but there’s like no food in the damn house so I’m going to have to wait until dinner probably, which sucks. ah well, I hope it’s something good, I don’t know what the hell it’s going to be because there’s like no food here. I’m hoping we will order out.

yes I took pictures of my BRAND NEW KITTY. he was looking at my fish before but now he was just laying there with his eyes closed (not sleeping but trying to I suppose, or maybe just relaxing)

Meeeowww…./me listening to aphex
it’s true, my cat likes aphex. it also likes when I play my digital keyboard thing for it, it’s got some ambient sounding voices on it so I use those.

meow? Meow!!!11 hey i’m not sleeping!
my cats eyes were actually open in both these pictures but due to the extreme crappyness of my digital camera which I obtained for free they look as if they’re not there at all. Forget about detail, this camera is probably worse then a cats eye when it comes to detail!

KITTY!!

Yes, I finally got a cat. And I completely forgot to post about it because i’ve been so busy watching it play. It plays just about all day. I’m going to try and get a picture to post on here. It’s a black and white domestic short hair and it’s really cool but it’s a bit afraid of me still, but it’s getting used to everything because at first it wouldn’t come out from under my bed but now it comes out and jumps around and plays on everything it can find. Also, my cat likes aphex, because I was playing it and it did. I was playing Selected Ambient Works 85-92 and Volume II and it seemed to like it har har thats so cool. I just woke up, it was so funny, it was poking my nose with it’s nose and it woke me up, and before it was like on my leg. It’s not afraid of me when I don’t move very much…I didn’t sleep that great but it don’t matter cause I had fun watching the cat all night…

well, I don’t think I’m going to be getting an egyptian mau (that spotted cat I posted a buncha pics of) because they’re expensive and I don’t have much money. NOT TO FEAR. I am going to try and get a black and white cat. I don’t care what kind, just any medium/short hair black and white cat would be fine with me. Black and white cats are cool. Plain black ones are pretty cool also. I like cats.

Lately I’ve been feeling not depressed or happy but in a trance like paranoid state again. Is paranoia depression? I’m not sure. It’s fear and it bothers me. The fears are ridiculous and I know they are. When I am fearing things, I tend to get real hot and I tremble, like a panic attack. I read that panic attacks are similar to what happen when humans are truly afraid in a rational situation, but when its irrational and the fear persisting then it is phobic.

I get panic attacks over things from the past. Past friendships, and sometimes embarrassing situations that I was in, or maybe when I did something that I regret. I wasn’t always like this, until people would start to batter me with the past. Past friends had done it, families done it, even current friends do it. It is not this that causes the panic attack, though. It is when I get the thought stuck in my head and I can’t get it out. That doesn’t always happen, but a lot of the times it does, and when it does, it happens. The thought becomes amplified and the more I try not to think about it the more powerful it is, there is no escape. During that time, the symptoms occur and I get very uncomfortable. It usually lasts for about 30 minutes to a few hours on average. I’m not sure why it stops or what stops it, but while it’s happening, I become very irritable and little things will piss me off greatly.

I hear people talking about being happy. What’s happy? Is it pleasure? If so, is being sad pain? I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused. I feel lost in my own thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I’m told to cope with it. Why should I have to? I should be able to escape it. I’m not giving into it, why should I? I’m tired of this shit. It’s cat time.

Purrr… hey what are you looking at? Are you looking at me? I’m a cat.
this cat is cool with everything. no worry, no fear, this cat knows it’s alright.

well I was just messing around with this cool synthesizer program and it’s pretty damn cool. I need like a sequencer now or something. I was trying to play Lichen from SAW2 but the synth just doesn’t get that soft. APHEX WHY ARE YOU SO…I dunno, custom? I don’t know fucking anyone who can make synths like that I need a synth like the one aphex has. He probably made it himself too just so it’s impossible for me to have one. God damn. Well you know maybe I can’t have aphex’s synth or anything BUT I CAN HAVE A CAT. Hopefully soon, I can wait. Anyways now I’m looking at some drum machines those are fun too. I wish I had a bunch of money I’d buy all this crap. Oh well.

It appears a few people I blocked have come to bother me again. What the hell is their problem? Seriously I used to never block people…I had this inability to get myself to go to that level…I usually just would piss them off or try to get them to hate me or something, I guess that just made it worse but I have blocked people in the past…just not very often. Anyways it figures that the people I blocked want back. Why? Why the fuck do they want to talk to me? How can they even consider me their friend? All they ever talk about is themselves..I guess because I listen? Every time I try mentioning something I like I get flamed for it..hell one ex-friend of mine even called me selfish over it.

What the fuck is with this? Did I just happen to run into a bunch of really weird fucked up people? Am I missing something? I don’t get it. I know there’s no perfect people or anything but seriously there’s got to be some limit on this. In real life my friends never ask me any personal shit but online I meet all these people who all they want to do is get personal. Not only this but they always abuse it. What’s the purpose? For example, why do you need to know someone’s name online? It doesn’t matter online. That only matters in real life. What’s the difference going to make online? You can just lie. I already mentioned how I don’t lie very often, and never about things like that but I make sure that person knows how I feel about those kind of things before telling them anything, sometimes they even reconsider.

Anyway I’ve known a lot of weird people and some people who are not so weird. Hell I mean I can listen to a good friend talk about their problems and it’s just like, really? I never think about them that way though you know? I look at this and then I look at adults. It’s funny how most adults don’t have many friends, I notice that. Not even close to the amount that some kids have. Why is this? I think maybe it’s because the amount of bullshit some kids put up with and adults probably don’t put up with it as much. Why is this? Probably because being social doesn’t matter once your not a kid anymore. Peer pressure and being popular doesn’t matter anymore once your out of school, now does it? No one cares if your popular then. Will it matter? No because there’s no more social groups. What matters now is making a living and living out your goals. Then again, if one of your life goals is to be social, well…good for you…but mine sure as hell isn’t.

I’m so sick and tired of people who talk to me only about their own shit…I can’t get one word out of my mouth about anything I care about without hearing a load of shit from them. Yet, when they tell me all their shit, they expect praise. Fuck that. I am so fucking fed up with that kind of shit and I have known so many people like that. Strange how they all happen to know each other in one way or another too, that’s probably what made me so paranoid. I’ve had it. No more of this shit. How do I escape? I guess I can block them all and when they try to contact me, block them again. That’s what I’ve been doing. I hope it works. Hopefully they won’t try contacting me under some new names to try and form a friendship under a new alias or some crazy shit. Why the fuck would anyone want to do that anyway? I don’t know why, but perhaps the people I used to know that did things like that would. And at that, I don’t care why they did it. Probably for their own selfish reasons yet again. I don’t care about their bullshit. I just want them to bug off.

heres some kitty pictures my friend sent me. they are pretty cool looking cats. it just makes me want a cat even more I don’t know why the hell I don’t just go get one but I want an egyptian mau and they’re $400 so you know i need money. anyways heres some kitties 4 j00.

rowr? Rawr!! DO NOT DISTURB ME I AM LISTENING TO MUSIC!!!!1
cats like music too you know

Meowww? RARWOL!!
this cat is looking at you like your doing something stupid. you probably are, so stop doing it.

MEOWWWWWWWWRARWRAL!!11 ROWL!! RAWRR!!!
left cat apparently doesn’t care what’s going on and the right one is looking at you very strangely. I suppose they don’t know what a camera is or something. oh well. they don’t need to I MEAN THEY’RE CATS YOU KNOW!!!

well I never realized how fun it can be to press a single button but trust me it can. The block button is quite powerful. Unless the person is a jack off with 10,000 screen names like some people I know. Let’s forget about that because you know what time it is ITS CAT TIME. I have some cats here today that are FUN FUN FUN.

RARWWWWW Meow?
this cat is laying on some concrete. It looks damp so it’s probably cold, and the cat is cooling off. It looks like one relaxed kitty THATS FOR SURE!

PURRARAHH!!!
this cat is alert. It appears as if it has heard something. MAYBE IT DID! It was probably looking out the window until someone disturbed it by taking this picture.

People still suck but it’s always fun to know that cats exist because they don’t suck. Cats don’t take shit from anyone that’s cool. They don’t act as servants to humans, they choose to be there. Who the fuck wants a servant anyway? I’m tired of people sucking up and lying. Fuck submission. Cats don’t lie. If you are reading this then cats are better then you.

Hi everyone it’s time for some cats because apparently likes my cat posts. I have 2 more cats to present you all today they are very special just like all the other cats. First we have this:

meow?
This cat is sitting on a book. Cats cannot read because their eyes are not good at perceiving detail. They are much better at sensing light and movement to attack their pray whether it be day or night.

ROWLRARARAREAWRAWA!!!!!1
This cat wants you to fuck off. Apparently, you’ve pissed it off. Your lucky your shirt has no holes in it.

that’s all for now.

silly little personality disorder test I took a while back but I saw posted his results so I figured what the hell I’d post mine too.

Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypical: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

hey wow, maybe I DO have everything. Actually, I don’t think this test is very accurate. It may account for my paranoia but does it account for how I deal with it? No. Plus the fact that if I really had everything that said “High” I’d have almost every personality disorder there is. Sounds more like disassociative identity disorder to me there, haha. Multiple personalities? Me? I don’t think so.

fuck all that shit. greetz to mdm for telling me to post about KITTENS because right now is a very special time. you see, I dunno when I’m getting a cat or nothing but cats still rule. LOOKAT THIS!!11

purrrrrrrr!!!111

that cat seems happy. I bet it’s easy for cats to stay happy I MEAN THEY’RE CATS THEY’RE SO COOL THEY HAVE TO BE HAPPY!!11

…..!!
this cat is relaxed! one thing I can’t do! man no wonder I haven’t written about cats lately. Probably because everything sucks right now and it’s not really getting any better!! yay!!! stupid world

I ended it. It’s over. No more annoying “friend” thank god. Now I’m not sure what it accomplished but I was quite annoyed by this supremacy that they loved to declare. I already talked about fakes and this “friend” was the source of that angriness that encouraged me to write that article. This person, someone I had stopped talking to…started talking to me again…I figured what the hell, no big deal. Apparently forgetting some of the things that made me dislike them. You see, someone else didn’t like them either, but they had flawed reasoning. I agreed with them none the less, and that is why I had stopped talking to them. I suppose using my own reasoning in the first place would have been better, as I would have had no regrets and told him to fuck off once he tried contacting me again. I suppose it’s one of those situations where a middle person gets involved. I hate those. My decision to piss them off was my own, then again they did take what I said a little too seriously, but I had figured they would. I did tell them otherwise, but they didn’t believe it, instead dragging out my exaggeration, not to mention my exaggeration was due to them trying to piss me off in the first place. So, they asked for it, then expected nothing? Typical of them, considering their previous rant about their lack of anger. I believe the song I am listening to fits appropriately.

I uploaded a picture of me and tweaked my layout a bit. ENJOY!!!! and yes btw that is really me.