Xero's other waste of space

Time to stop calling “smart” people “gifted” and to stop calling classes for “smart” kids “honor” classes, because I’ve decided that you’re all dumb. Why do people say anyones smart anyhow? Is that even a good thing? I remember one time this kid who was relatively into sports and had been mean to me once or twice just came up to me out of no where and says something like “are you like a genius or something?” I was like I dunno or something like that. He still thought I was afterwards. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I liked things and knew more about things that the average person my age does not?

So I have different interests. Big woop, that doesn’t make one smart in it. In school I never really met anyone with interests even remotely similar to mine. I do have friends but we only really share a few things in common: we like video games. That’s okay though your average person my age likes that kind of stuff. So it’s something I share, but considering the majority of my interests most people don’t share you can imagine how being in school felt kind of stupid.

Not only could I not relate to other people I was bad at communicating in common so it was all down hill. How can I even learn to communicate when I can’t even find anyone who shares an interest even remotely similar enough to communicate about? So I had no practice either. That’s not to mention I used to not care much about school work either. It still isn’t a favorite thing of mine. I didn’t start shit with kids, they usually did with me, but I usually started shit with teachers.

So maybe I have a few interests in which I’m good at. Perhaps not the best but okay what’s that matter anyway if I’m not the best? That’s where a problem starts though. People can expect too much from one. I’m good at certain things and maybe I’m terrible at school. Or maybe I just never tried, but if that’s the case, I haven’t really tried much at anything. It’s just me getting lucky as I wrote previously.

So basically I’m still writing about the same thing just now on a different level and even though I’m writing about it I still haven’t accomplished shit other then me writing this. I don’t like doing anything other then nothing and nothing consists of an extremely repetitive pattern.

I’m starting to think maybe I’m OCD. I was always said to have anxiety and hyperactive but I look at the past. I can remember hoarding things when I was younger. My life seems like a giant pattern. Wake up go to bed wake up go to bed do things in the middle eat sleep wake up go to bed wake up I AM GETTING BORED OF BEING HUMAN.

I was thinking once, what if theres an alien race that is so much different mentally that a year is only a second to them. I’m saying this creature thinks in a slower but larger manner. So it can fully function except it lives very long amounts of time and it’s thinking stretches that whole period of time which seems like an instant to them, but forever to us. Seems weird huh? I think it’s possible. I don’t see why not.

Thing is a creature like that would seem very odd to us not to mention it would change so slowly that we wouldn’t notice. They could also travel extremely long distances in time frames that seem like nothing to them. Under these conditions, they could technically travel long distances extremely fast without breaking Einstein’s theory of relativity.

So what, a creature that takes waiting to the next level? Funny that I’d think of that because if that’s the next level I’m the step in between. Taking waiting to the next level is my specialty.

I sit here thinking about how we’re in this giant universe again. I watch everyone slowly but surely end their lives and doing the tasks survival requires. I get the impression that I’m supposed to follow but you see after noticing it and realizing why the whole thing seems like a joke. I mean what am I supposed to do, continue being a human? Well I guess I don’t have much of a choice with that but that doesn’t mean I have to do the things “regular” humans do. Or do I? Maybe I’d end up on the streets if I didn’t, maybe I wouldn’t.

You know the average human is very ignorant. Infact they’re so ignorant that they’re ignorant of it. It’s a paradox of ignorance. I see a neighbor drive home, drives up, parks his car, brings the dog out and is playing with it, while I sit here from my window with my cat trying to fix the screen on my window. As they drive up I notice they slow down as if they’re looking at me with the cat (who was on the windowsill) and then they park and proceed to play with the dog or what not. I have no idea if it was intentional or not but considering in the past I’ve known people who’d do things like that to try and compete or compare or whatever the fuck. Oh well, dogs are stupid anyway. They’re followers, like your average human is. Man’s best friend indeed.

I can’t anymore consider humans intelligent, though we’re supposed to be, but why? Surviving efficiently is intelligence. Humans are very inefficient at surviving so why do we consider ourselves so smart? Oh wow, we can make tools and stockpile our food and all this stuff, and we learned to care. Why care? It’s just more of a burden on survival. Plus we waste resources trying to try save those who are going to die anyway. That’s on top of all the resources we waste from other things. I bet I sound like Hitler or something. Oh yes kill the weak blah blah. I’m not saying we should go do that, evolution has made us differently so we care for our weak and try to make them strong. Either way has a downside so why do either? Why not put efficiency in front of quantity? Nah, capitalism would hate you then. Quantity over quality is the key thing. Especially when it comes to money. Maybe I’m confused. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve lost all hope.

Maybe I’m a schizophrenic lost in my own world. Maybe I’m obsessive compulsive with my repetitive life. Maybe I have ADD, hyperactive I am. Maybe I’m social phobic, people I fear? I don’t fear people though. I just hate them. I’m sure that sounds a bit silly because you can’t hate everyone without hating yourself that may be so but maybe I should be more specific about what I hate. I hate how we’re on a tiny little planet in a giant realm of space and then we make silly laws that define how one is supposed to live. Sanity and insanity are the same thing it’s just whatever society wants a person to be.

Prohibition despite this world being so into it is just holding back the inevitable. I think of how we make laws making material things illegal and then think of how silly that is. They’re not the problem it’s the people that are the problem. The people break the laws are just as bad as the people who make them. You can’t prohibit a material object. Capitalism is all about materialism though. And since America owns the planet everyone else obeys or you get a bomb shoved up your ass. Maybe everyone doesn’t have the same opinion as me.

Maybe Mrs.Christian from HickTown, Alabama thinks drugs should be illegal so Johnny Christian won’t do them. Maybe whether or not Johnny does them has nothing to do with legalities ever think of that Mrs.Christian? No way! Ignorance is the key! Video games cause violence remember? Make video games illegal! Pretend bad parenting doesn’t exist! Instead, make commercials on TV blaming the parents. I see these commercials “Parents, The AntiDrug” and of course a few minutes before they have the commercial saying “1 in 4 parents do drugs.” Oh okay, so parents are the AntiDrug? No I don’t think so. Whether or not someone does drugs most likely has absolutely nothing to do with the parents. More then likely it has to do with the persons personality. Some people just MAY be more likely to do things then other people. So it’s that persons fault.

That can’t be right though! Mrs.Christian’s Johnny is such a perfect little boy! And the persons personality may just be part genetic, part from life experiences. And maybe those life experiences had nothing to do with the parents, or maybe they did, but laying guilt trips on the parents is not going to help. I see so many guilt trip commercials from this “Ad Council” on TV. What is Ad Council anyway? They should just call it Propaganda Council because everything I’ve seen by it was pure 100% American Propaganda. And the sad part is, it’s very manipulative and misinformed. The commercial with the girl who’s like “the thing is I’m trying to establish my own identity without my parents talking to me I’m much more likely to smoke pot and stuff” I wonder who the fuck wrote that, because I don’t know anyone who says things like that. As if pot is that bad anyway. Alcohol is much worse and it’s beyond fact at this point. The government doesn’t like to be wrong so you’ll just have to live with that.

The racism commercials, there’s one with the guy at the office desk and they’re interviewing an Arabian looking guy for a job interview and then after the guys leaves the executive or whatever is like “I think we have enough color in here” and takes the piece of paper, throws it in the trash, and says 2 points! There’s also the one with the little girl on the playground and a black girl calls her over and the moms like “why don’t you play with those other kids” and shes just like “why?” Thing about these “anti-racism” commercials is that they’re bullshit. No real racists act like that. Not to mention that just about everyone I know is racist in one way or another. Black, White, Indian, blah blah I don’t care fuck them all. I’m tired of this crap. I hate this country and this whole planet for being so stupid.

Oh but who am I to judge if it’s stupid, maybe it’s me that’s stupid. If I’m wrong, so be it, I’m stupid. Thing is, people always tell me I’m smart. You know what, I don’t care if I’m smart or stupid so if I’m wrong, fuck you. So maybe I’m maybe I’m an obsessive schizophrenic hyperactive idiot but at least I’m not you.

I feel like writing something. I’m not sure what to write though. Maybe I should write about what I’m thinking but lately everything I’ve been thinking I just forget about so apparently I don’t care. I think at first when I got this journal I was kind of pissed off at everything but now I’m not really pissed off at things as much. Sometimes I get pissed at something but not as much as I used to. Oh well.

Maybe I should write more? Or maybe I should stop. If I don’t have anything to write about then I can’t possibly write anything other then a silly rant like this. It’s a rant with no meaning because it had no point in the first place. Nothingness is a really just a loop. It’s November and I don’t even care. I’m waiting for things but it’s a wait that doesn’t end because after one wait ends I’ll just find something new to wait for. Of course theres always the things that I’ve been waiting on for a while and they’re usually things that require me to do something so apparently those won’t happen unless I get lucky. That used to happen a lot. Now it doesn’t.

My method is broken. Now what? Maybe I should stop waiting and make use of the time I have…but why? Waiting is easier, you don’t have to do anything. You know all through my life I was punished by waiting at school. It first started in kindergarten. I made fun of dixie cups, yes I called them dick cups or something like that. Anyway they made me sit in some room that seemed to be like 1.5m wide and 2m tall and that was my punishment. Later on after that I used to get sent there even more, that was just the beginning. In 3rd grade there was tons of that, being throw into empty rooms, then choosing to be in empty rooms. In Jr. High I had an in school suspension for telling the counselor off but you know what I don’t regret it at all. They made me sit in a blue room about the same size as the one from kindergarten and this time I had to do work but really the difference was little from the punishment used in kindergarten, the work was easier then it was in a classroom, no annoying kids bothering me. Detention isn’t much different. I don’t see why people think that’s punishment, it really is ineffective.

All that shit is over now and honestly I don’t care much about it. That is one of the things I was thinking of before. When I started writing this I thought I had forgot but I didn’t apparently. Oh well I’m not sure how relevant it is to truth.

I’m so tired of this shit. So last night these kids are bothering my mom, one tries to steal the bucket of candy and another going on about how the year before they were shot at or what not…which isn’t too far from the truth. 2 years before these kids were sneaking up on the property, I was prepared as the year before they had lit a fire and did some other stupid shit, anyway I fired a blank shot up in the air and they ran off, dropping 2 packs of firecrackers and some toilet paper. So they were caught, guilty. So they’re harassing my mom over this and some kids that came afterwards identified one of them as Chris. I mentioned to my mom that a kid named Peter had mentioned the bbgun thing to me a while back on the bus when I used to go to the jr. high…anyway my mom somehow gets the idea that this kid Peter was the kid who was bothering her and that the kids who identified Chris also had Identified Peter, but I noticed her changing the story from the original, only Chris was named. So she decides to call this Peter kid’s parents, against my wishes. My mom’s like breaking down on the phone to them and is saying all this stupid shit about how their kid is harassing her and what not and going on about how her son wouldn’t do that and that I stopped going out on halloween when I was 11 (which was a lie) blah blah you know I’m so sick and tired of my mom bragging about me and she does it way too much. It just shows how insecure she is about me especially while shes breaking down on the phone to some stranger. I told her what if she’s wrong, what if they weren’t the person who did it. She claims she doesn’t care. Then later on they call back denying that this kid was even there. At this point my mom asks my sister why she picked up and explains how we have caller id and what not…well gee..she called them and they called back once already and they talked…not as if she told us not to pick it up. So basically blaming it on us. She obviously cared. She said that even if she was wrong it would somehow stop the kids from doing stupid shit on halloween, hah yeah right. I’m sure it’ll happen next year too and the police around here don’t even give a rats ass. They probably get so many calls on halloween anyhow. My mom doesn’t seem to realise that these kids try to do stupid things specifically to my house most likely because they have a grudge against me, but oh no why would she understand that? I’m so perfect and smart why would that ever happen in this crimeless suburban town. I’m more mad at my mom for not listening to me then anything. After the incident happened, but before the phone call, my mom was being totally irrational and grabs this metal rod from the fireplace acting as if the kids will come back and as if she was going to hit them with it, she opens the door and yells out “come and get it boys” or something like that. I’m sorry but lately my mom has been acting very irrational and my dad and sister are lazy as always and I’m just sitting here accomplishing nothing as always and this whole family is fucked up beyond belief, yay! I need a fucking break. I don’t know how I should feel right now but it seems like a mixture of embarrassment and anger.

fuckin’ a