Xero's other waste of space

Look at me, I have class. I kiss the public’s ass,
I wear a suit and tie while I send men to die,
I make promises I do not keep, I lie to myself even while I sleep,
I can tell you a thing or two but don’t believe a word is true,
for it’s my job to mislead you,
I cannot tell you my opinion,
it could effect popular decision,
for I want to win, I don’t know why,
I’m just a puppet told to lie,
corporate control and money you see,
these are the things which interest me.

You know I’m really tired of this country. I had another realization today about the whole presidential thing. These people are fakes. They always appear dressed up fancy, they have tons of money, they support those who are like themselves and lie to those below them. These people are the upper class and we’re the peasants. Nothing has changed. It’s just we’re more easily fooled. On top of that, we vote these bastards in, and it’s because most people aren’t smart enough to realize this bullshit game which all the candidates put on.

Kerry and Bush are one in the same, monkeys controlled by a corporate game. This is not about helping the people. Most political jobs in this country have to do with pleasing the minds of the masses, while not actually changing anything. Your fundamentalist christian soccer mom thinks her kids are safe, so everything is fine. Another vote for demorepublicrantic rule.

I see no difference between the two, it’s all an illusion meant to trick you. The real decision is deciding which companies rule this country. You vote for Bush, then you get the Bush family of companies. You vote for Kerry, then you get Heinz squeezing ketchup bottles up your ass. Fantastic.

Fuck this country. I’m not voting, and I’m tired of hearing the same old bullshit lines about not voting. Not making a difference, not making a change. HELLO?! This is the real world, the rich are rich and the poor are poor. Middle class is just the lesser poor. The rich will do what they want and as long as they can shut the poor up, that’s all that matters to them.

You pathetic fools who think Kerry will make a difference because he feeds you some line about health care or social security, or some 10 year plan to bring people back from Iraq, or whatever the hell it is he spouts, do you really think this shit makes a difference in the long run? It’s all these minor little issues these politicians say they’ll fix, thing is, they’re issues which you can bullshit around. Put slightly more money into one area, and slightly more people will get to take advantage of it, but nothing really changed, you just shut up enough people to make the whole think it’s improved.

So whats the point again? Oh yeah, voting, that. Fuck voting.

Well it’s yet another halloween. Last years I was at my aunts house and basically no one came. The year before that was hell. This one, eh, I ain’t got nothing to do with this one. Just relaxation and shit. I should be trying to knock out some of my tv-to-watch list but eh I got a few hours..I’ll be good. Oh well. Let’s see what becomes of this night.

No I’m not voting. When I told this to my cousin, I got a pressuring speech about how foreigners are getting free rides and that Kerry will stop this. Ha. And what else will Kerry stop? A candidate actually making a damn difference? What country are we in again?

You know I really don’t think Kerry can do a better job then Bush. I think both of them are controlled by the media just as much as the other, the only difference is they’ll give a different politically correct excuse when you confront them about why their promises aren’t kept.

I’m so tired of this political bullshit in America. Our politicians are allowed to lie here, and no one even seems to care. It’s becoming a larger problem by the day. The actual changes that are actually getting made are just getting more and more ridiculous. And I’m very tired of the American ego.

I was seriously getting this whole speech about how foreigners are just getting a free ride though college, not doing their work, passing, getting jobs, etc. because of government benefits. I don’t know about you but where’s the fucking proof to that? They said that these “rich” foreigners drive up in fancy cars to their community college, and don’t do a thing, pass, stay rich, and get jobs. And their reasoning is that they supposedly get a tax cut from being an immigrant. Thing is, they couldn’t provide any details. And as you know, it’ll take some proof to get me to believe you.

What it sounded like to me is the typical American ego displaying some racism. Ah well, way to get my vote. I really don’t have an opinion on this whole foreigner and illegal immigrant thing. In fact, at this point I’m more interested in emigration out of this country. I need to make a bunch of money and move out of here. I’m too lazy though, so I’ll just continue putting up with bullshit for now.

On top of that, I’m tired of seeing all these bullshit vote commercials. Make a difference! Choose which media controller will run the country! Just depends on which channel you’re watching…

I’m really fed up with telling people I’m not voting. At this point I’d be better off not saying anything, and that’s making me wonder why I ever stopped. I’ve become a lot more social then how I was when I was younger, and all it gets me is shit from people. I’m a bit tired of people, let me tell you.

My time seems to go by at a rapid rate. I seem to lose track of time and wonder off into many already discovered avenues. Avenues which I have discovered and decide to take again and again because the result is satisfactory enough to continue doing so.

So anyway I need to start showering and brushing my teeth more in order to prevent numerous disorders. On top of that I probably should exercise. Better diet? Oh yeah, and the whole get a job thing. Do I really want to do any of that? No I’d rather be a brain in a jar…or at least live as if that’s so.

Of course things don’t work out that way so if I keep this up I’m sure to go down the drain physically and mentally. I’ve never been one to commit myself to much and follow through with it, not instantly at least. If you push me enough I’ll do the absolute minimum. Not a very productive way to live I guess…

So what I really need is self-motivation. Instead I usually end up saying to myself “all is lost, it’s too late, somethings wrong with me and I’m going to die.” Which of course isn’t very productive. And when I’m too busy to think about that I’ll usually be wasting countless hours on the computer and not realizing it…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m slightly autistic.

“From early childhood there is severe impairment in communication and social interactions, and actions are often repetitive and unchanging”

That sounds kind of like me…Or maybe I have ADD like everyone used to say, and can’t pay attention to things long enough to complete them? Who knows. What I do know is that by writing this I’m putting off other things I could be doing. Not as if I can’t do them when I’m finished but who knows if that will happen. It’s like I can’t spare 30 minutes of time.

It’s one thing to live every day as your last but to really do that would mean not giving a shit about your health and progressively making every next day your last. After all, if it really was your last day to live, worrying about how healthy you are seems quite pointless. Maybe I take this concept too far? Who knows. What I do know is what I’m doing now is not working all that well and I am not seeing any light at the end of any tunnels.

It’s easy to say things like “bite the bullet and just do it” or what not. It’s a little too far past the point of simple demands though. And even if I do take on a regular schedule of hygiene and fitness I’ll probably not do it long enough to see any results or to form any habits and give up on it, like I have so many times in the past.

Me and the whole instant gratification thing. It’s probably limiting me in more ways than one. Mentally because anything that requires long learning processes will inevitably become boring. Physically because physical results usually take weeks if not months. As for hygiene, it just pisses me off. What the hell is with us humans anyway?

Why do we unlike other animals have to take showers and brush our teeth? And not just once in a while I mean all the time, sometimes numerous times per day. How did that happen? I know that humans basically mastered survival by making almost any habitat survivable but by doing so we made sacrifices and now must participate in hygiene rituals which are really quite boring to me.

At this point though just about everything is becoming boring to me. All I really enjoy at this point is watching tv and my computer, and at that I’m still feeling like somethings missing. Getting a job takes away the time I do have and puts more things into my life which I’d rather not do, and would probably have trouble getting myself to do them accordingly so.

I don’t really know what I plan to do with my life but the more I think about it the more it all seems very pointless. I don’t want to live a life of normalcy, working, eating, sleeping, reproducing, hygiene rituals and what not. It’s not fun the way it is now and that’s with constant leisure. Why would doing things I don’t want to do make it any better?

Is it supposed to make my occasional anxiety go away? Is the desire to make money and reward of actually making it supposed to make this all go away? I don’t really have much desire to do anything though, other then maybe not to miss my tv shows, not miss my comics, or read the occasional news website. Talk occasionally with my friends.

I don’t really care about independence or other such silly concepts. Most people try to use that as a way to motivate me, but you might as well be telling me the sky is falling, you’d probably get more of a response. I have better things to do then hope for the impossible.

What the hell is with this world? Is my perspective of reality really so far off? I don’t think so. I think most people just found some false hope to live for. Maybe they have kids and dedicate their life to that, or maybe they’re greedy and dedicate their life to desire. Maybe they’re a teenager and dedicate themselves to be appealing to their friends and going with the latest trends. I’m sure there’s tons more.

Shit as this point the only reason I can think of to live is my cat. And that’s scaring me a bit. I’m really not enjoying this anymore. Why can’t I do nothing in peace?

So some people think Kerry won, some people think Bush won. I think neither of them won, as no ones opinion was changed, nothing was accomplished, just politically correct bickering.

I read a transcript of the debate, I did not watch it on TV. I was able to read it much quicker then it would have taken to watch it on TV anyway, I’m sure. And it starts out with Kerry sucking up. Thanking all his sponsors and the host, blah blah. Of course Bush counter-sucks as soon as it’s his first turn to talk. Pathetic.

The debate was very single-minded concentrating almost entirely on the war on Iraq from an American perspective. The opponent is vicious and wrong and America has the correct morals and is right. I don’t really think poor people with nothing to lose who’ve got a grudge against America because of past actions that effected them have an invalid reason, or are any more morally right or wrong then we are, for fighting in any war.

They’re desperate, they don’t have fancy weapons and big budgets. Therefore, they resort to less fancy tactics. Indeed, some aren’t very good ones, but it’s not as if we’re perfect either. I don’t mean to rationalize their actions though, just take this out of such a biased American perspective.

They next both said something along the lines of to end our involvement in the war you must train the “good guys” who live in these countries of terror to fight off the enemy themselves. So basically train the people in Iraq to fight for themselves, so they can protect themselves. After reading this I instantly thought of how we’ve done such things in the past, helping Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein in fighting wars of the past, later only to become our enemies.

Why should we be helping? If you’re going to take revenge, which is what America is doing no matter how you twist the argument, get to the point, take revenge. Don’t fuck around training people who might end up hating us for the casualties of that revenge. Or just hating us because they disagreed with the whole thing to begin with but didn’t join in and fight with our opponent because they saw it was futile at the time.

Bush refers to Iraq as “herself” which I found funny. Real cute. Not really a point against him though.

Next was some bullshit about how Kerry was in a war and how he knows how it is or what not. I’ve mentioned before I’m tired of hearing shit like that. We weren’t there along side him, we have no idea how it was, and it’s impossible to fully understand someone else’s perspective, which I’ve talked about many times before.

Presidential candidates, stop trying to appease the ego of American society and take a look at the situation from a perspective other than a rich business man’s. Quit turning this into a pissing contest, picking at each others holey arguments while missing all the holes and biting all the bait. I’ve seen better debates between angsty teens and their parents.

They bring up a statement Kerry said in 1971 about Vietnam and asked if it’s relevant today about Iraq. Are they trying to piss me off? 1971? Jesus christ it’s 2004, ask the question, leave out the incriminating bullshit. and stop trying to spin it off as more important than it is.

Alright and then we get to the whole flip flop thing. I’m really really tired of hearing that. I’ve got numerous things to say about it. One instance of this is Bush saying Kerry is a hypocrite because he changed his mind about a decision he made based upon something which was presented to him in one way, and executed in another. I really do see that as a problem with the executor, not the decider, don’t you? And guess who that was? It’s easy to be fooled by liars, if only Kerry could admit that instead of lying in defense.

I asked myself after I read about 60% of the debate, why is this entire debate about the war in Iraq and not about improving America? I wasn’t entirely sure if the whole thing would be covering Iraq as I hadn’t read it all yet, but my fears were verified and indeed the whole thing covered the same disgusting topic. Instead of talking about improving America, they talk about making Iraq a better place, and present the American ideology as some kind of golden moral system.

This is made worse when Bush says things like “if America shows uncertainty or weakness in this decade America will drift toward tragedy.” Sure that sounds nice and all at first but when he says things like “you can’t just say wrong war, wrong time, wrong place” or in otherwords, admit you’re wrong, it makes his initial point seem a lot less valid. He bases this conclusion upon an uncertainty. What message will this send our allies and opponents?

If being a hypocrite makes a better decision in the long run then it’s damn well better then having stuck to an old one in order to make yourself look better. That’s basically what he’s saying by making silly statements like “what message will that send.” As if he’s some insecure teenage girl with an eating disorder. What message will it send if I weigh 115 instead of 105? Oh no, I’m fat!

Fact of the matter is the American ego is already so huge, I doubt this would do much. And even if it did, a little ego deflation is certainly not the worst thing that could happen in this country…if not beneficial. Bush twists some words which I assume Kerry said by saying something like “how will you get our allies to support us when you’re saying things like we’re a grand diversion, join us for a war, that is, the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

As if allies are supporting us all that much right now? Fact of the matter is I bet allies would support us more if we stopped acting like the imperialists we are and instead started saying “let’s end this.” I feel I’ve been drawn into stupidity by even talking about this war bullshit. The war is unimportant and should be ended so some more important issues like corruption in American politics and monopolies controlling the media can be covered. Ah but what are the chances of that?

All this is on top of the fact that proving someone a hypocrite doesn’t make them wrong, and being a hypocrite is better then sticking to a faulty decision in fear of showing weakness. Next topic.

I’ve mentioned this before and I’ll say it again, Kerry is an ass kiss. He starts mentioning Kennedy and Reagen saying how he thinks they were more effective at making decisions than Bush. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Where the hell is your point again? Amazingly enough, Bush didn’t bite that bait. He didn’t point out Kerry’s obvious blunder either.

I’ve concluded that these presidential candidates couldn’t argue themselves out of a cardboard box. I openly challenge either of them to take me on. What are the chances of that? Hell what’s the chances of me becoming world…err American leader?

Well I didn’t watch the debate because I thought it was useless and I was right. Reading it was less a waste of time. Hey look, now I’m not out of the loop!

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and most Americans all of the time. You can’t fool me.

So let’s do something I don’t normally do and break this apart piece by piece.

Today (well yesterday at this point) wasn’t the greatest day in the world. It started with a knock on my door around 5 telling me dinner will be ready soon. Later another knock, dinner has arrived.

I head down, it’s something which I like. Overall everything is okay at this point. Robin and Sam our next door neighbors and my mom’s cousin have a son who is hanging around waiting for me to finish so we can play some games. He hangs over my shoulder while I’m eating which was somewhat annoying but all and all, still fine up to this point. My sister, who remained quiet most of the time. My cousin Lauren and my mom’s cousin Gary are over. Lauren, I’m not sure why, and Gary was working on some things around the house. My grandma as normal sitting at the end of the table with her wine-glass full of water.

Let’s talk about the culprits for a bit. Lauren is my recently impregnated cousin, whom which I’ve written about before. Gary is generally a cool guy but what I’ve realized through this experience is that Gary is also a suck up when the opportunity emerges. If he can stick his nose in to business which isn’t his in order to look good he will.

Since I’ve known him, or at least known him well which has been the past two months or so, I’ve had numerous conversations and experiences with him, and usually it goes without a problem. Once someone else is introduced into the picture, and I happen to disagree with whatever that person is saying, Gary will take the eldest persons side. Usually he throws around words like respect to back up their arguments but more then anything he just adds fuel to the flames and usually nothing gets resolved. If it’s someone younger than me, he takes my side, for example, my sister.

My grandma, well she’s somewhat insane. She stays in the house all day, sleeps to even odder hours then I do, and leaves only to go to doctors appointments, nothing else. She has this thing with everything being clean, to the point where she’ll be looking at the kitchen counter tops from odd angles in order to see what she’d probably describe as “such filth.” I’d say it’s your text book case of OCD coupled with agoraphobia what do I know? I wouldn’t be surprised if many of her symptoms were caused by the insane amounts of pills she takes daily, which is well over the amount of 20.

Back to the situation. I am done eating and decide to ask my cousin Lauren to ask her parents if they had found my pellet rifles which were stored at their house. This was done because Sam our next door neighbor said I shouldn’t bring them here. Meanwhile after discussing it with both my grandparents neither of them had a problem with it after I explained my reasoning. Of course that doesn’t rule out the option that someone could be having a mood swing…

So I’m asking this at the dinner table which may not have been the best timing, I might have been better off asking my aunt or uncle directly however since I had no idea when I’d next see them I decided to have her relay the message. My grandma interrupts and makes some comment about how she doesn’t want me to bring them here.

Now I was quite angry seeing as I had a good conversation with her about it and my reasoning as to why. It’s not like I’d shoot them around here, I’m not dumb. I explained how I found a piece to one of my guns, or more specifically the scope which my one rifles had, sitting in the den of my aunt and uncles house on a desk they have in there. That had me a bit outraged seeing as I did not expect my guns to be damaged while being kept there. Of course this whole issue is sensitive to most people because we’re talking about guns however I do treat this much differently, I have no sinister motives, I like shooting for fun. I did not plan to shoot them here, just prevent them from further damage. And they weren’t cheap pellet rifles, I spent well over $350 on them. And they were quite powerful, certainly not toys.

Plus I’m 18 now, aren’t I supposed to be responsible? I mean come on I’m not some punk kid. Is my reasoning all that bad in this case? I can legally buy a real gun now none the less a pellet rifle, why is this an issue? In fact I plan to buy a real gun and get a concealed weapons license when I am 21. I have the right to do that in this country, I don’t need a reason, though people always want one. No, I don’t plan on shooting people.

Anyway, this is the standpoint I am coming from when I ask my cousin as to whether or not my guns have been located. When my grandma suddenly says no I ask her why she is contradicting what she previously said and she responded with something like “I can change my mind.” Sure, but now you’re letting people down, and that’s not something any level of respect someone is supposed to have for you is going to change.

In the midst of all this I say the word “hell” once. As soon as that’s been said instead of explaining why she’s suddenly changed her mind, she proceeds to pick on my choice of words. Unlike your average “dikshonary” your moral evangelist picks not on words which are spelt wrong but rather words which are morally objectionable.

Meanwhile my cousin Lauren goes off topic as well and starts questioning my reasoning, which was not really any of her business, and Gary is siding himself with my grandma in the name of respect and/or brown nosing. I say something to the order of “this is the 21st century, hell is not exactly the most offensive word in the world anymore.” I mean shit we’re Jews we don’t even believe in hell. I have to admit, I bit the bait here. I probably should have got back on topic but at this point it had already turned into an argument.

So in the process of this I’m throwing away my paper plate and putting my cup in the dish washer and such so I’m at the other side of the room. My grandma is now no longer part of this conversation as Gary proceeds to yell at me about respect. He says something to the extent of this isn’t your house so you have to obey by their rules. I said that I know it’s not my house but that does not mean I will obey by illogical rules. He says something like that’s not an option and you have no choice. Followed by something like that’s part of the real world get used to it and other such things parental-sounding misguidance.

Oh yeah and of course he says that I must respect them because they’re paying for this or that. I said to him that I won’t respect someone simply because they paid for something. I said that respect has to be mutual and has to be earned. He responds saying basically the same thing, that the real world means you must respect those who have money or in his case those who are giving you money. You see, my grandparents are paying him to do work around the house, and he’s not doing all that well financially. I’d guess this is much of his motivation. Also he has some of that moral evangelist in him too seeing as he’s my grandma’s brother’s son. So he’s always preaching to me about how I should respect the elderly every time I am in a disagreement with someone older then me, which he’s done more then one time.

Alright so I’m basically backed into the corner with him yelling at me over respect, my sister leaves because she couldn’t stand it, my cousin Lauren and grandma are cheering on Gary, and I’m being told three on one style that I should be respecting peoples money and not who they are, because that’s how things work in the real world.

Hi. Does that really make any sense? I can understand if Gary was trying to be righteous or what not but he literally was saying that. I’m not twisting his words. Real world is coming around. If you suck up your whole damn life that is probably not going to be the most efficient way to make money. I don’t need a suck up telling me how to live my life. A suck up who’s currently broke. Sure sure I don’t have a job, but why would listening to this guy be of any benefit? Why couldn’t I have had a rich person in the room who was on my side, that’d have been perfect timing for one eh?

You see I don’t care if people are older than me, have more money than me, or own the house I’m living in. If you are going to demand respect and proceed to disrespect me, you’re not going to get respect back. Do your worst, I will take the risk. What can I say I’m a gambling man. I’ve mentioned before that I’ll do things which might not benefit me in order to retain logical righteousness. I do not give up.

If I subconsciously use the word hell in a conversation, not directly aimed at someone like “go to hell” but more like my dictionary is showing for the second definition of it, “to overwhelm” it’s not the biggest deal in the world. Not to mention the fact I really was quite overwhelmed in that situation, wouldn’t you say?

I was two timed, cornered, and lectured, all over something which was none of the peoples in that rooms business. For I only asked my cousin to relay a message, not for anyones opinion. And I’m treated like a kid, and an enemy. Why is this? How did this situation even happen? Did I really do something wrong? I was quite upset after the whole ordeal and had to tell Mike to go home as I really was in a bad mood and didn’t want to hang out with him right then.

He understood. Even funnier is that an 8 year old watched the whole thing, and actually took my side in the end. He told me right after this happened that he agreed with me, and said something to the extent of “guns don’t kill people.” I was somewhat surprised, first coming from an 8 year old, and second considering his supposedly strict upbringing by his father Sam, who is if I haven’t already mentioned the person who said to put the guns at my aunt and uncle’s house to begin with. Sam’s intentions were good but did not favor me. Sam does own a shotgun from what I understand. Maybe his father actually talked to his son about gun safety, I wouldn’t know.

What I do know is that it was nice knowing someone was on my side for once. Of course, it’s someone younger then me, so they’re discredited by the elders. My sister agreed as well. In my country, age discrimination is banned in the constitution.

I respect people for who they are not what they own. That’s how I was taught.

Others might disagree. I don’t care. Logic always prevails in the end. I don’t really care what some over generalizing book about the baby boomer generation says. It’s all irrelevant to me, I am not like the general populous, no matter how much you try to rationalize my actions as so.

So you have money, I don’t care. You spend your money on me? Fine. You want respect? You’re not getting it from payments. It doesn’t work that way. If you don’t agree with me then you can deal with it whatever way you choose but if it’s not one of mutual respect you’ll be damned if I give a shit about it.

I’m not lost from the real world. I understand what it’s like and I know why I don’t like the way things are. I don’t need to hear some opinion which isn’t even your own about how the current generation of kids is going down hill, I already know that, and I know why and how I’m not one of those kids. And I know how to deal with those people when I am confronted by them.

People insist on putting me down. People insist on me to obey by their rules. People insist they’re more right then I am, always turning things into a game of right and wrong. This is supposedly respect, and or deserving of it. And again it’s always revolving around money and power.

I’m sorry but gene line won’t make me respect you, money won’t make me respect you, and most certainly trying to force me to be like you is not going to make me respect you. Why don’t people be happy with the little respect I do give them instead of slowly grinding it away in the name of traditions, morals, manners, and other such beliefs?

I think it’s because most people just don’t know how to live without following. You can’t become truly rich, not in money but in spirit by sucking up to or trying to be like those who are rich monetarily. Nor can you accomplish this by following any belief system. It is something you yourself must do. It is a self-prestige which you can only gain from yourself, and by no one else.

These people who I’m supposed to respect, they hoard physical possessions in order to make themselves feel rich. That does not make you rich in any form that I know of. Even a poor person can do that. What’s with people and trying to feel high and mighty? What’s with people who care about useless things?

What’s with this world full of those who illogically imply over-importance to things which are greatly lacking any importance at all? Why is it that people create problems with other people all in order to uphold an illogical outdated belief structure?

I know I’m not perfect, surely this is impossible. However I know that when I feel I am right that little stops me. My instincts rarely let me down. If you cannot provide a valid reason as to why my actions are unacceptable then you will not make any impression on me. And no ideas proposed by any belief system will be accepted, sorry.

I’m tired of people saying my parents raised me badly or other such things. They are ignorant of many things. Most parents force a path on their child, a path that they feel is right. My parents, or more specifically my father did not force any predefined path on me. Instead he let me form my own. This is one thing I will always greatly respect him for. Respecting me no matter what path I chose. I wish more people were like that.

And while nothing works out perfectly. as I did in fact run into many problems as a child. I do think the message in the end was clear. I am me. Not you, and not who you want me to be. Me. Accept it or reject it. I don’t have to like you either.

If there’s one thing I learned from my father it’s that money isn’t important in the end. Do not try to tell me otherwise, you selfish being.