happiness/arrogance
So overall I guess you could say my life is going pretty well right now, I got a new job with better pay, more responsibilities, more challenges. Overall a much better experience than my last job…but…for some reason it still feels like something’s missing.
Sometimes I have doubts. At first, I was sort of doubting myself, whether I was up to the job, that kind of thing. Now that it’s been a few months, I’m pretty much settled in and am generally getting through the work assigned to me without much trouble. That’s not the problem now either. What is the problem?
I guess it’s really the same thing that’s always bothered me. I hate taking orders from people. It’s not even that, I hate when people nitpick about things. Maybe I just can’t take criticism or something? This has happened to me before, at my last job and at other places. I know that whatever comments made were not intended to offend, but you know what, they sorta do and not because of what is asked of me, but rather for 2 reasons: the general indirectness of it all, it’s usually kinda ambiguous, so often there’s uncertainty as to whether this comment made was due to a complaint from someone, if it was just something obvious, or if it was a particular event, rather than some sort of general behavior. And if the latter, is it really likely to reoccur? Is it worth the effort?
So yeah, the uncertainty is killer. The second thing is that it’s nitpicky, so it’s usually something that’s kinda dumb and probably better handled some other way anyway. There’s only so much of yourself that you can force onto others, even the followers….
And I think that’s really what it comes back to, I guess I just don’t like changing myself for anyone. I’ve always been like that. I’d much rather be in charge, not because I have some general plan as the new overlord and want to control others, but rather because then I’m not effected by those things that bother me. Maybe that’s kind of arrogant, but then again I haven’t ever met anyone in charge who doesn’t have at least a shred of arrogance.
I know it’s possible. I’ve seen it. My father, my grandfathers, all of them were in charge of their endeavors, store owners, business owners, what not. I guess you could say I’m trying to live up to their standards, but it’s not really about that at all. It’s about doing things the way I think best, rather than the way someone else thinks.
I think about a lot of things, better ways to do things, improvements, what not, I’m always trying to fix things, as usual. Sometimes I feel that the legacy of an existing system prevents new ideas from flourishing. That kind of has a double meaning honestly, as I’m using it to refer to people, but it can apply to any type of system….computers, organizations in general, gatherings, an accounting system, whatever. I want my own system, my own way of things. It can’t be all that bad. Or maybe I’m just being overly ambitious…who knows.
Then there’s things I just plain disagree on. Yes, some people just have preferences I don’t like. I can’t really do much about that one. Some people are easily persuaded, others are not, honestly I’m not going to fight about it either way. The question is, I’ve silently put up with it for years, while deep down always being annoyed by these types of things, will I continue this path forever? It’s not that bad, really, I mean, it could be a lot worse. When I’m at home, all that stuff doesn’t matter anyway…or does it?
Will I sell my soul, or will I some day take control…?
heh, fuck it, I’m still young. time will tell soon enough.