Xero's other waste of space

well, I don’t think I’m going to be getting an egyptian mau (that spotted cat I posted a buncha pics of) because they’re expensive and I don’t have much money. NOT TO FEAR. I am going to try and get a black and white cat. I don’t care what kind, just any medium/short hair black and white cat would be fine with me. Black and white cats are cool. Plain black ones are pretty cool also. I like cats.

Lately I’ve been feeling not depressed or happy but in a trance like paranoid state again. Is paranoia depression? I’m not sure. It’s fear and it bothers me. The fears are ridiculous and I know they are. When I am fearing things, I tend to get real hot and I tremble, like a panic attack. I read that panic attacks are similar to what happen when humans are truly afraid in a rational situation, but when its irrational and the fear persisting then it is phobic.

I get panic attacks over things from the past. Past friendships, and sometimes embarrassing situations that I was in, or maybe when I did something that I regret. I wasn’t always like this, until people would start to batter me with the past. Past friends had done it, families done it, even current friends do it. It is not this that causes the panic attack, though. It is when I get the thought stuck in my head and I can’t get it out. That doesn’t always happen, but a lot of the times it does, and when it does, it happens. The thought becomes amplified and the more I try not to think about it the more powerful it is, there is no escape. During that time, the symptoms occur and I get very uncomfortable. It usually lasts for about 30 minutes to a few hours on average. I’m not sure why it stops or what stops it, but while it’s happening, I become very irritable and little things will piss me off greatly.

I hear people talking about being happy. What’s happy? Is it pleasure? If so, is being sad pain? I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused. I feel lost in my own thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I’m told to cope with it. Why should I have to? I should be able to escape it. I’m not giving into it, why should I? I’m tired of this shit. It’s cat time.

Purrr… hey what are you looking at? Are you looking at me? I’m a cat.
this cat is cool with everything. no worry, no fear, this cat knows it’s alright.