Xero's other waste of space

Why do people always ask what I do for school? It’s especially when people are trying to make smalltalk, like people you just met. I hate small talk. I think my reason for hating people asking what I do for school is because I have to say I do the internet school thing, which I was doing but I kind of stopped. I suppose I feel a bit guilty about saying I still do it. So I’m pretty much a dropout now.

Maybe I should start telling people I graduated from Drop Out High. I don’t know. School pisses me off and people asking me about it is just plain annoying. Why is the first thing adults do is ask kids about school? Sure, it wastes 6-7 hours a day of the average kids life, but is this the only reason? It’s the number one smalltalk question to ask a person under 18. I’m tired of it. Why is the only thing adults can think to ask us is school? I mean can’t they ask us what our interests are? What I like to do? No, instead ask us what the government mandates you to do. Hey you can’t go wrong there right? Take the easy way out.

Government mandated brainwash. It’s pathetic. I’ve gone on about tolerance, drug lectures, and such much in the past so you know where I’m coming from. I don’t need any school to tell me how to live my life, decide my moral, or tell me how bad drugs are. That’s on top of all the disinformation they give while doing so. I don’t care about math, I use computers all day, they’re the most powerful calculators we have. Why torture myself to learn shit which won’t be relevant to me? I don’t care about english – I read almost all day, from web pages to occasionally books, I write my own things, I don’t need help from a school. I’m not the most intelligent person when it comes to history but I’m relatively knowledgeable about it. I don’t need gym. I don’t need art class. I don’t need health (drug brainwash.) I don’t need assemblies about tolerance (moral re-programming.) I don’t need any of this.

All this for the american way. You go through the system, follow along, take everything they say seriously, don’t realize that it’s possible to think for yourself. You get a job as some corporate executive at a giant company, sit around doing nothing all day and making $100 grand anyway. You live the american dream and you’re probably one sad, ignorant, motherfucker who cares little about anyone but yourself. You manipulate to get to the top. Capitalism allows it, and encourages it. You benefit society none.

You take money from the poor. You outweigh the voting system. You are a big sack of water. I don’t care about you. I don’t want to see you. You’re american and I hate it. Why the fuck do I keep saying you? Oh well. I hope I’ve emphasized on what I’m trying to explain a bit better by doing so. I am tired of all this bullshit. I hate school and I hate giant corporations. What’s the difference between them anyway? School pretty much is the “giant corporation” for kids.

We’re supposed to go everyday and sit around doing work, people manipulate to get to the top by creating little social groups. School or Corporation? The differences seems little. It’s training for the “american way.” The fact that adults can get away with asking what we do for school and how it almost always works for small talk shows how school has become almost something that is hard to imagine the world without.

This reminds me of something. Yet another thing I hate, religion. People endorse it to their kids, the kids endorse it to theirs, further promoting. School is the same way, it’s become a tradition. How come some never question it? If you’re raised into a system whether it be religion or school, and trained NOT to think for yourself, trained to follow, how could you possibly question it? You’d probably not even understand how it’s possible to do so.

It’s like a bunch of robots. I am starting to see now. It’s as if we’re a bunch of biological machines, doing predefined tasks. A computer programmed by the language of society. And many are so similar because everyone follows these predefined paths. The road more often taken. I am starting to see.

“We don’t need no education.
We don’t need no thought control”
-Pink Floyd

what the hell is with hugging anyway? I mean there’s so many people that expect it when you’re leaving or something. I’m guessing it’s another tradition. It’s stupid and useless. What purpose does it serve? It doesn’t do anything. I guess I’m not one to enjoy touching other people that much or something. I’ve done it a few times just because everyone is all expecting me to so I’m just like ok whatever but it’s a waste of my time.

Seriously, out of all the people I’ve ever talked to about hugging I’ve never gotten a single explanation to exactly what it’s supposed to do. Some people say it comforts people or makes them feel better, exactly how does wrapping your arms around someone make you feel better? Would it make you feel better if you were wrapping your arms around a sack of potatoes? Probably not. So what other reasons for it? Greetings perhaps? Like a handshake of your whole damn body? Again, useless learned behavior.

This is something I’ve not liked for a while but I suppose I just never had thought of writing about it. I’m tired of silly little traditions that serve no purpose. Like superstitions minus the fear. So you do all these things to get your +1 points in social interaction and then what? Why does society expect such ridiculous things anyway? I either give in and be ignorant of how useless it is, or I fight it and get bullshit from everyone. I get bullshit either way. From myself, or from others, I’d rather just get none but that doesn’t happen.

Sometimes realizing things that other people don’t is annoying because people expect things of you that you just won’t give. Some people get false ideas about me, some people think I’m rude. Is not doing something rude? I always thought you had to say something stupid to be rude but then again that’s silly as well. Oh wow I said fuck big fucking deal. Some people are so blind that even silly words like that piss them off.

I believe I mentioned previously how I said some bad shit in kindergarten and got in trouble. They put me in a small room. Punishment by isolating me? It only made me realize how harmless it really is and how these people are all nuts with their high social standards and moral. I read this http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html link. It very well explains how I felt about my school. I escaped though. I guess I was lucky.

You give a little you get a little right? Wrong, but it sure explains why people keep expecting their silly social behaviors from me. I get some shit from people and they expect something back. I didn’t ask for it in the first place though. I give a little, get screwed, get nothing. I don’t ask for anything when I talk to people. I don’t expect anyone to bless me when I sneeze. I don’t expect a handshake or a hug. I don’t want this stuff. I’m tired of it all I wish I could get the hell out of this place. I feel like an alien in this place.

I’m glad I do have friends that don’t expect crazy shit like that from me but I have to deal with relatives and family still. Now I’m all in favor of family and all but as long as I can remember my family (not close family mainly grandparents,aunts/uncles,cousins etc) has expected things from me that I won’t give. My family knows me better they know not to expect it. All my grandparents expecting me to give into their jewish bullshit, a grandma expecting a greeting from me every time they’re within a 10 meter parameter of me, I could probably go on.

I suppose you could look at this the other way (no I didn’t plan not to) and think, oh hey what if I give into it, I take the easy way out, or so it would seem. So suppose I do go with it, it’d be like going back to school again. I’d be doing a whole bunch of bullshit I don’t care about, being treated like a robot, given tasks and expected to complete them. Nothing but a follower in a society that expects everyone to be stupid, and that society surrounding me.

I need to get out of this damn place.

So I’m watching TV and I see some more propaganda. “Tobacco is Whacko if you’re a teen.” Wait a minute, so tobacco isn’t whacko if you’re not a teen? What’s the point of this commercial? There is 2 of them that I see. One a bunch of people eating rotten food then a guy pulls out a cigarette and out comes the slogan, another is some guy getting his tongue pierced and after it’s done the guy asks the kid if he wants a cigarette and he’s like “No way what do you think I’m crazy” as if piercing is less crazy.

Now I’m no fan of cigarettes but I find these commercials stupid. I don’t even get the “if you’re a teen part” I mean what about all the preteens or people older then being a teen, it’s not as whacko then? It’s ok then? They even make the “if you’re a teen” thing stand out. As for comparing cigarettes to piercing, they’re both equally as stupid in my opinion but people do them both, so what’s that say? People do stupid shit and don’t always care about the consequences even though most know them.

Then you get a bunch of people who think they can stop it all with silly campaigns and slogans. I’m tired of these anti-drug commercials. They annoy the fuck out of me and I don’t even do drugs, but every time I see them it makes me want to do drugs just out of spite. These commercials have no effect, in fact your average teenage “rebel” would love to smoke, just to rebel against what everyone tells them. They say action speaks louder then words well I guess going all out and smoking would be the action huh.

Anyway I blame the networks who allow this shit to be ran more then anything. Then again, they are getting paid most likely so more money for them. Advertisements piss me off. I just noticed something…anti-drug commercials essentially ARE advertisements. They’re moral advertisements. “Tobacco is Whacko! (If you’re a teen)” What great moral. Sure smoking sucks but this sucks even more. I don’t care if people smoke let them get cancer and die it’s not my problem.

I’m not one with much sympathy but these bullshit commercials have no effect, let the action of dying speak for itself, maybe then people will shut the fuck up. Which brings me to something else, the shuttle columbia blowing up. I hear people acting all sad as if it’s so tragic. Wow, a few people died. They get special treatment because they’re astronauts and then the media comes along and explodes the situation up in an explosion much larger then the one which took the shuttle out. So we can all forget about the hundreds of starving africans dying daily and instead worry about 7 people dying on a billion dollar craft.

Now heres the point – the media goes where the money is. It’s not about sympathy or compassion. Expensive shuttle blows up – instant media. Poor starving africans? No news here, move along now.

I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I’m yet again bored but this time lost at the same time. I don’t know what I mean by that as I feel I’m just writing this to reduce this annoying bored feeling in my head. I only have an hour until I get to watch a show and have my boredom partially reduced but that leaves a whole hour for me to waste.

Why waste time anyhow? I don’t know I seem to just want time to go as fast as possible so it eventually gets to points where I’ll get things that I want. What I do in the time between there and now well that doesn’t seem to matter in my book. This is getting old. I must have wrote about being bored 4 times or more and it’s bullshit. I’m tired of writing about being bored I don’t want to be bored anymore.

I can learn things but how? I seem to only learn things when I figure it out myself. I never learned much from school though, I was constantly bothered by my parents to do my homework and by the school. I’m sure the school was bothering my parents as well. I always have dreams with kids from my school in them now. It’s coming back to haunt me. I don’t like learning things I don’t care about but what if I don’t care about anything? Then there’s no point of learning I suppose. Progressively digging a hole deeper and deeper it seems eventually I won’t be able to get out of it because it’s too damn deep.

What the hell am I talking about? I don’t know I seem to talk out my ass when I’m feeling bored. I feel somewhat euphoric as well. I’m not sure what the hell that means. I don’t know. I’m tired of this crap oh wait didn’t I say that already? This seems pointless.

My cat is sleeping on his bed which is on my desk. He doesn’t seem to get bored and his life contains of sleeping most of the time…then eating…then running around. It must be fun. That simple life style, even simpler then mine. It seems like a good thing to me, why make tools to survive…why do all the things we humans do for no reason other then making things more complicated?

It seems useless in the long run. A world that rotates around a territory system we call money and instead of just fighting your opponents you use the territory system to your advantage. Beating up people is looked down on. Use the system or be outcasted. Instead of fighting it’s whoever has the most money and the best lawyers. Big corporations buying out politicians, making the system even more flawed. In the end our system is more complicated and more flawed then the simple system that the animals around us have been using for ages.

So I look at my cat sleeping on my desk and I see superiority. Living the life and yet having so little. I’m tired of bitching about the government now. It seems to just be progressively getting worse, I don’t know what’s going to happen next. Instead of one dictator running a country we have a country acting as a dictator. What to do? It seems hopeless. To even try to get changes made you need more money then the opponent and when you’re dealing with the richest people in the country it seems to be a loop.

People don’t want to loose their system when it benefits them. The greed and selfishness of it all. There is always the smart asses who are like “that’s capitalism get used to it” I’m tired of people like that. Giving up so easily and why? Most likely because they gave in. They don’t want to fight it’s easier to join in. There are people with millions of dollars who still work despite having enough money to support themselves and their family for the rest of their lives, what is the point? More money is more power and more power brings the system more flaws.

So again, back to the cats. These are creatures that do not communicate worldwide or over long distances, so there’s no way any one cat could try to gain power because their power would be limited to such a small area. This is a system which limits itself, unlike capitalism which has no limits. There is no limit to how much money you can have, therefor there is no limit to how much power you can gain. Look at microsoft, not even the government can control them despite the recent settlement which really did nothing at all to stop them.

Try to take a cats territory. It fights you off. It’s a simple system. Capitalism is based on greed. Communism is based on sharing, but all good ideas can be used for bad. Capitalism adds a whole new meaning to fighting people off. It’s whoever has the most money that wins. The fight has nothing to do with strength. In humans, strength means something different though. Who is right, who is more manipulative, who is more intelligent. Money outweighs that strength, but it takes strength to get that money, though usually leaning towards the manipulative side. Physical strength means nothing as the system is not based on physical fighting, it’s a mental battle because we’re evolved to use our brains for things like that.

An advantage? You decide.

It’s only been a day since I posted last but a lot has happened. I’m a bit impatient as of now waiting for a show to come on I figured I’d write something to pass some time. Anyhow stuff has happened and it’s all for the best. I started to get a bit tired of some people and now they’re gone. So that’s that or so it would seem.

It’s hard to easily forget people you’ve known for years but there’s no need to forget. I admit I had good times and bad times with them but people change and so do I and sometimes it gets to the point where I can’t enjoy being around those certain people anymore. So what do I do?

First thing that I notice when I cut contact with someone is that I’ll be bored more often because the time I’d usually spend talking to them is no longer there. I find other things to do in those situations. That’s another thing though, I could probably do things that involve acquiring knowledge while bored. Learning to do things instead of getting distracted by people and having to experience them and all their character flaws pointing at me and laughing.

You can tell I was fed up. I’m becoming more sensitive to some peoples bullshit, more then I used to be at least. I suppose that’s good, I was taken advantage of way too many times in the past. I don’t want it happening again. Anyhow I’m not feeling too bad about the whole thing it’s a pretty neutral feeling. I don’t regret a thing.

It’s odd because the last 2 people I stopped talking to were the 2 people I had known the longest on the internet. I constantly questioned who they really were. I don’t think they knew the answer anymore then I did. Hiding in a way…from themselves. I seem to attract odd people that’s for sure. I am starting to get a bit annoyed at talking to people through the internet.

It’s the people I know online that have a normal social life in real life that usually don’t annoy me. They don’t have problems socializing I suppose. Those are people who I’ve never really gotten in any serious fights with, yet the people I got rid of I used to fight with pretty often. And they always made it seem as if I’m more responsible for that then they are. I’m sure they know people who they never fight with but that’s not the point. I’m talking about the relationship between me and them and that is what wasn’t working.

So all in all, one problem down, another to go. I suppose that’s how I look at life, a giant problem. I know people who say they look at life like a game but I don’t see it that way. It’s a giant problem with solutions that aren’t always readily available or easily findable. My mission will be to solve them I suppose. Some people’s problems are beyond help that’s one thing I think I’ve started to notice. Not because the problem isn’t solvable, it’s because they don’t want it to be solved.

When I write this kind of stuff it’s hard not to ask myself “hey what if I’m that way?” I’m not sure honestly, you never know I could be just as bad, but that would make sense. I mean how is anyone anymore worse or better then anyone else? I once was explaining that even people who I dislike are liked by someone. Just because I might think they’re a moron doesn’t mean they’re a moron to everyone. Those morons usually have friends, though I might not be one that doesn’t change that fact.

So in the end we’re all morons, it just depends who’s observing. Which reminds me of this thing I saw about dimensions of possibility and quantum theory. They had an example called “Schrodinger’s Cat” in which there’s a box with a radioactive element, a geiger counter, a jar of acid, and a cat inside of the box. One outcome is the radioactive element breaks down, the geiger counter releases a hammer which breaks the jar of acid, which pours on the cat, and the cat dies. The other outcome is that it doesn’t and the cat lives. Until you open that box the answer is both. It’s kind of like if a tree falls and no ones around to hear it does it make a sound? It all depends on the observation.

If we’re all morons what do we have to worry about? You could have someone who’s mentally retarded and some teenager who makes fun of people. So you have the parents of the retarded child who love it, and the teenager who makes fun of it. It all depends on who’s making the observation and if it’s even made at all.

In a way, opinion is nothing more then where you’re observing something from. And when I say that, I don’t really mean a physical place, I mean where you’re coming from, mentally. And if someones a follower, someone who doesn’t have their own opinions, they’re observing from a very limited view. Why limit yourself?

So I found this TV channel that plays a show I like but much of the stuff they play is politically correct bullshit. Their commercials are only their own, no products, etc, but they do promote their own shows. Seems good compared to other channel’s commercials right? Then you see the ones that are supposed to be interviews with kids or something but they’re really stupid. Let me explain.

They have a commercial that’s like “How important is it to be popular?” and “How do you ask someone on a date?” That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Another commercial they run on this channel is where to get advice about “body changes” as they call it. They also have commercials with pop stars saying “Real. Life. Now.” because that’s the channels motto or something. The whole channel seems like a false reality of teenage delusion. It’s another channel claiming it’s “real life” when in reality it’s just a bunch of bullshit promoting the “American Way.” Oh but wait, they have a show with a bunch of kids with an english accent, maybe it’s only partially the american way, we can’t just forget about the english now can we? Just forget about them being one of america’s biggest bitches and you have some really diverse TV!

I just watched this show on there and it has got to be the biggest load of crap. On the episode I saw it was basically a bunch of people hiding things because they’re embarrassed. First, a muslim black girl claims she’s jamaican. Then some boy that can sew well but tries to hide it by swapping his projects with the girl who sits next to him. Oh wow, as if sewing is soo embarrassing. I wasn’t too bad at it to be honest and I never gave a rats ass but just remember, this show is REAL LIFE NOW! And next week, a guy who’s questioning his sexuality and a girl who wants him to make some moves on her.

On top of all that they have the average brain dead teenagers doing stereotypical things, and that’s on top of all the stereotypes this show supposedly deals with. So to conclude it, you have teenagers obsessing over clothes and useless materialistic items. Then at the same time racial bullshit, lying to enhance self-image, and teenagers who don’t know where to get advice.

The only person who’d actually need this “advice” these shows or commercials give are people who are lost in a dreamworld (see post below.) Following others around and perhaps bad at finding information. So not only do they have bad resources (the people they follow) they can’t find information other then these bad resources. And I suppose these shows are supposed to be a help?

So back to reality, the advice is useless. Only those who already realize the things this show deals with would understand it enough to be able to use it. And obviously if it’s supposed to help people who don’t understand in the first place it’s going to fail. You can’t just point someone at the obvious answer and say “you’re wrong here’s the right way” when they’ve not even taken a step to getting there. It’s like telling a 7 year old to grow up as if the next day they’ll just be cured of immaturity.

If only ignorance truly was bliss.

I think I am starting to hate everyone. Anyhow what’s with teenage girls and posting poems/lyrics about broken up relationships in their profiles/webpages/journals/etc? There’s some guys that post lyrics too but it’s not as bad as the guilt-trip-relationship-breakup bullshit that the girls post. Anyhow it’s always from girls who are totally flawed when it comes to being in relationships. They’re the same people who listen to emo/punk bands and take it like it’s a religion. I don’t get that.

Most of these kids who think they’re punk claim they’re like original and that they listen to indie and non-commercialized bands and that they’re not pop/sellout but when you listen to the music it so obviously is. The lyrics simply suck, the music itself is bad. There’s also the commercialized ones which are even worse. What’s with these whiny ass singers whining about breaking up and what not? It’s so obviously targeted directly toward teenage girls who have no idea how to be in a relationship which further promotes their skewed views of what a relationship should be about. And people wonder why the divorce rate is going up, hah. Some adults are effected by this shit too, which just makes it even more sad.

What do you expect from a society that promotes people to be selfless materialistic morons? I guess you can’t expect too much. I’m sure the first thing that comes to most peoples minds is that “Oh hey you’re not the greatest in relationships, you suck at being social.” Well, maybe that’s true or false, maybe it’s everyone else thats a moron. Even so, at least I don’t go around posting bullshit lyrics about how much pain some guy was in or what not after he broke up.

And then there’s the people who think love is something more then a chemical addiction caused by the brain, so when some girl gets attached to some guy she never gets over the fact that the guy just doesn’t like her and refuses to accept the fact that it’s most likely caused by herself producing chemicals causing her to be that way. They don’t get over the fact that the dreamworld relationships in movies, TV, and talked about in music are not real.

There’s no perfect relationships where everything is lovey dovey. It’s funny because I just talked about the 2 extremes. Expecting too much from a relationship, and then these same people watching/listening to poems/music/movies/tv about the “pain” after their dreamworld relationships end. Many times if they hadn’t expected too much in the first place they would have realized no relationship is perfect and most of that pain may not have been there in the first place.

So in the end what do you really look for in relationships if love is just an addiction? I’m sure everyone will want to know that because if they can’t look for love what is there to look for! I’d say someone you can put up with is what you look for. Essentially, that is what matters. If you can’t put up with them, you obviously wouldn’t want to be dating them, unless you enjoyed the pain, but that’s a whole different story.

I am sick and tired of viewing things containing bullshit lyrics which mean nothing. I don’t care if you think you feel the same way, the reason why you thought you felt that way in the first place was over a delusion. Get over yourselves, silly drones.

I was going to write something but I cannot think of anything to write. I’m bored right now and my foot hurts because I must have did something to it. It’s annoying as fuck. I hope it goes away soon I was hoping it’d go away overnight but it didn’t. I swear I’m falling apart or something. Everyone dies eventually.

Anyhow I’m bored and my cat seems bored and today must just be a boring day and now that my foot hurts today is even more boring. So anyhow oh hey look I have some email how fun maybe I’ll be less bored now. What fun, time to recompile some stuff. Fun fun fun so I’m still bored now. Maybe something exciting will happen soon but I doubt it. Let’s see here…put on some music…yes I’ll set the music thing now. Okay so that’s done but nope still bored and I can’t sit in a comfortable position because my foot hurts so that just makes it even more boring.

It’s -3C outside which is good. My windows are open so it’s cold in here that’s good. Everything is good but I don’t care because I am bored so now everything sucks. I have an idea of something to do. Damn nope well that sucked. Maybe I can try something else here…Still bored….I don’t know why I’m writing this I’ve been writing this for like over an hour literally because I’m just writing as I try to find something to do but end up bored oh well screw it.

I’m done.

It’s almost new years and this has got to be the most boring new years I’ve ever had. There’s just about nothing to do and honestly I don’t care that much about it being a new year. I mean, what if we had designed some other calender system and used that and new years was on some other day? What if on that system there wasn’t even such thing as a day to celebrate new years on?

Just another tradition…I suppose I was expecting something more. I can remember exactly what I did this time last year in fact the same thing many people do. Drugs. Everyone parties, alcohol and all your favorites. Well I feel no need to do that. I know that when I do drugs when I’m bored I still would be bored but I’d forget that I had been bored once the effects wore off. There for I would be thinking they helped cure the boredom which then further promotes doing them.

It’s a trap that’s easily escapable. Right before I quit I decided that I should make note of what I was doing before, while, and after. After a few times the pattern was obvious: I was doing the same exact thing and forgetting the while, and feeling pain in the aftereffects. The answer was clear at this point, it was useless. The euphoria slowly turns into pain. Despite it all, I still have nothing against drugs. I think that people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies. Anyhow it’s just silly material, who cares? Materialistic capitalist societies care.

Well what can I do? I dislike the way most of america is. I almost said I dislike the way the world is but then I remembered not every country is like america in fact many aren’t but have to abide by america’s laws or treaties, if they don’t they could be labeled terrorists!! Oh no!

If I started a country it would be many independent community ran governments. Only law would be don’t interfere with anyone else’s community. You pick your community and can leave it at will. It seems that this way everyone would be able to fit in, they get to choose to be with people like them, or people that aren’t like them. Each community has it’s own rules and they’re decided by the community itself. And if someone doesn’t like any of the other ones, they can start their own, or just talk to no one and live alone in no community. At least it seemed like a good idea.

In reality I don’t think I’d really want to run a country. I could say yes or no to a few laws but I know for a fact that not everyone will agree which is why I like the community idea because that way everyone has a place where they can agree with others. I don’t think the country as a whole would really have anyone running it or need it. I just came up with all this now so it seems kind of silly, it doesn’t seem like it’d work. It seems like people would end up in wars so you’d need some kind of central thing controlling it. In the end it would probably end up as bad as the US. A federal government then a bunch of states. Decentralizing but keeping the peace would be the main issue. Seems to be a problem the real world hasn’t tackled yet either.

What can I do about any of this anyway? Not much unless I magically came up with a solution to all of it. Most people are very materialistic in this country. I mean, to have everyone in your community or what not they’d have to move into their little community town. In america, no way! They’d rather live on some california beach or some fancy ass place. It’s the whole class thing. All the rich people would essentially have to give it up – it would create equality. It sounds like I’m taking communism and capitalism and slapping them together.

I’m not a big fan of intellectual property. If you don’t want something to be copied then don’t give it to anyone. Either benefit yourself or benefit everyone but don’t benefit yourself by trying to charge everyone else. Protecting property you don’t want anyone else to have should be your own job, but no, the media bought out politicians pass laws saying otherwise, like the DMCA.

I was going to say “america is going downhill” but that’s really a hard thing to say considering the way it really is. We go downhill, bomb some country, take oil, money, resources, make it seem like we’re the good guys by showing it all on TV and of course the obligatory showing of some planes dropping food to the innocent civilians caught in the middle of it all and bam life goes on and america remains it’s arrogant imperialistic self.

Recently people close to me started to get to know me more. They seem to be surprised by my opinions of this type of stuff. A person and their friends used to say I was too political but considering who they were I take that with a grain of salt. They wouldn’t accept me for who I was anyway so their opinions mean little.

I am a little less bored as I write this, it seems to pass the time. I guess you could say I even enjoy it sometimes. Too bad not everyone enjoys what I say. Too good to be true. I started to notice that when bored I look for certain things. First I usually check AIM then I start checking a few webpages. Communication with other people seems to definitely help boredom. Right now, though, not many people are online to talk to. I am running out of things to say here I think. I’m getting kind of tired. I should go to bed before 12:00 so I don’t have to hear the countdown bullshit. I never go to bed that early but maybe I should just out of spite.

I’ll probably end up watching the discovery channel or something like normal. Then I have to suffer the pain of commercials. I seem to run into things that make me bored with everything I do. I wonder what would happen if I stopped doing things. I don’t think that’s possible. Okay I’m just talking out my ass now I’m going to stop typing I have nothing to say anymore.

I’m starting to get a bit angry at some things…mainly things my moms been angry about for a while but I haven’t started noticing them until recently. My dad and sister are absolute slobs. Not only this but I was never taught to clean up after myself or anything like that but I do, unlike my sister. My dad leaves newspapers all over the kitchen tables. My sister leaves empty food packaging and such all over it too, so when it’s time to eat the table is covered in garbage.

They’re too lazy to throw anything out. I mean literally my sister left the empty box to some hot pockets on top of the counter with the trashcan right under it. It’s ridiculous. It makes me wonder if it was really my fault when I used to hoard things or if it was my parents not teaching me how to deal with trash. My mom and I do not usually leave trash laying around.

Not only this but my dad and sister love to blame it on other people. I go to my dad “why is this empty box here on the counter?” And the response? “I thought you left it there” Then he says something like if it’s so bad then I should clean it up. First of all, my sister should have thrown it out as she was the one who left it there, second it shouldn’t be anyone else’s responsibility to clean up after someone else, I mean it’s not like they’re unable to. My mom ends up having to clean up after them and it’s no wonder shes starting to go crazy over it. I would too.

Another example of blaming it on other people is this time where my sister wanted me to install the drivers for a webcam. I say okay, and so we search for the disk. We can’t find it and she goes “maybe you took it so I don’t loose it” or something like that. A few months later (this was like a week ago) I see the disk laying in her room. She had lost it and apparently found it. I don’t want to hear anyone blaming anyone, if everyone did their part in cleaning up and keeping neat no one would need to blame anyone because it would already be done.

I’m not one to claim self sufficiency or anything but this is just crazy. I’m also not to happy about the food I eat. I was never really taught how to cook and what I do know is not much. I want to eat more vegetables but typically the only vegetables are from TV dinners, or microwaved ones. Plus, the time for making dinner has been reduced now that my mom works. My dad always makes up an excuse he’s either busy or watching TV on the big screen in the basement.

He spends a shitload of time in the theater in the basement, it’s quite sad. I can’t stand being in that room, it’s completely full with cigarette smoke it actually hurts my eyes when I go in there because it’s so full of smoke. It’s also very hot and also humid and combined with the smoke it’s absolutely terrible. I’m sure my dads used to it though I mean he’s always in there the terrible conditions are probably fine to him. People always ask me if I watch movies in there a lot and they’re usually surprised to hear my dad is usually in there all the time. I guess I’m not that much better being in my room all the time but at least it’s not hot and full with smoke that burns your eyes and a complete mess on top of it all.

I wish I could get a job and move out and make the things the way I want them to be. That’s easier said then done. I suppose someday it I will be able to at least I hope so. In the mean time I wish the conditions here were a bit better. There needs to be a group effort and as of now my sister and dad do not seem to care. Only time will tell what happens I suppose.

So, it’s christmas, or as I’ve been calling it…educate the christians day. I mean come on. It’s been what 2002 years and theres still been no proof of any of this shit? So what, Jesus comes up to some jews and says “hey we don’t go anywhere when we die so we must all be going to hell!” and all that without any proof that there even is such a place. Jesus was delusional. And then theres the whole thing about the resurrection bullshit which theres also no proof of other then what the book says. You know, it’s about time people stop believing everything they read. Books can lie as well as TV you know. That’s just the icing on the cake though, I mean look what people did to this very minor event.

Now there’s trees, tons of songs, presents, days off from working, media frenzy, sales everywhere of course, and of course Santa and his 12 deer that fly which I don’t know where the fuck that came from or what it has to do with some delusional guy dying but okay let’s just pretend it’s a special day and do all this stuff just because everyone else who’s christian does!

I remember once I somehow convinced some catholic school girl that religion was bullshit and like a few months later I ran into her. I had no idea who they were until they told me I had ruined their life because their friends at the religious school stopped liking her for not believing. What a joke. I mean common, that’s just pathetic.

Of course theres sales at stores, you know despite the items at stores supposedly being on sale, I honestly doubt it. I’m pretty sure they probably end up making a shit load more money with the sale then without, why else have the sale? It’s amazing how some people don’t realize this stuff. Some even deny it. That’s normal though, ignorant humans.

So we’re back at this ignorance thing again. Then I look at what I’m talking about, christmas, and religion. A bit ironic. Religion is pretty much based upon ignorance. Most people who are religious, I can ask them…What if the book is wrong? And they’ll respond with “What if it’s right?” Then I’ll gladly burn, is my response. Anyway it’s a pretty ignorant thing to say “What if it’s right?” considering theres no facts that it is other then the book itself but theres many things explaining things that religion once was used to explain, and this is evident from history itself. As truths were learned, religions adapted. It won’t be too long until we either a. understand everything so well that the religion argument is even more ridiculous then it already is, or b. the whole entire race goes extinct.

A few people have told me…Oh without religion, what would happen to morals? There would be chaos! As if laws haven’t replaced the moral system anyhow. Look at the past, when churchs were governments, and ruled the countries and what not, scientists used to be killed for proving them wrong. Now that there’s a government that allows any religion and isn’t exactly a religious government, what need is there for morals? The law the government lays down is in effect replacing those morals. I’ve never been a big fan of morals anyway – I may not like something but theres a difference between not liking something and prohibiting/socially rejecting something that’s not liked.

Then there’s manners which is a whole different story. My manners or whatever you want to call those things you’re supposed to do, are probably terrible to most peoples standards. The funny thing is though, I can do nothing at all and piss people off. Someone sneezes. I don’t say “god bless you.” Someone walks in the door, I don’t say hello right away. I might not eat my food the same way other people do. Why do these things even matter? It’s just silly, and many morals and manners are based off those type of things. What’s the difference between morals and manners anyhow? They seem like the same thing but inversed. Morals are things you’re not supposed to do and manners are things you’re supposed to do. In the end, socially accepted policies.

So back to christmas itself. It’s funny because my spell checker is turning red every time I say christmas because it’s like a special word or some shit. I’m lowercasing it incorrectly out of spite. Anyhow, trees, santa, deer, and christmas lights, especially christmas lights. I mean what are these things supposed to be anyway? Remember how before I talked about my jewish relatives turning hanukkah essentially into a christmas with 8 candles? Well the christmas I’m talking about in the first place isn’t even anything to do with jesus’s death. It’s stuff people made up after the fact.

So essentially, in December, the officially selected end of the year and holiday month, is essentially a time to do a bunch of weird traditions all because of some religion. I mean why not just have everyones take off the month of December. In fact they should just rename December to HolidayMonth or something like that.

Oh yeah…christmas lights. What the hell? I mean, neighbors like compete to have the best lights and crap. It’s crazy how much neighbors compete over useless shit, landscaping, cars, pets, I could go on forever. So everyone puts out tons of lights and according to the rules of social competition whoever has the most has the biggest dick. In reality though, it’s the exact opposite. It’s ridiculous what some people do and where did the idea even come from? I don’t know but it seems pointless. I want to get a bunch of red lights and some wood and build a big pentagram and wrap it with lights just out of spite and see what happens. I bet people would get all pissy but by doing so they’d have given into my evil plans to piss them off.

The christmas tree is just as bad as the lights. It’s not exactly competing with neighbors as it’s inside but they’re usually wrapped in lights and covered with silly little ornaments and what not. Plus, it’s useless killing of trees so when global warming comes around and bites you in the ass I can blame it on you for cutting down all those trees on christmas.

So anyway…I saw some show once it was saying how people with problems get seasonally depressed at this time of year or something, because they see other people happy or some shit…Anyway just about none of my friends believe in religion so I don’t really see anyone happy, in fact it just gives me and my friends an excuse to make fun of it all. So me, depressed? Naw, excited! I get to educate the christians!

So you could say “oh you’re just saying that because you’re all all depressed. You suck you dirty ex-jew who’s going to hell” and then I can steal all your presents and piss down your chimney and claim I’m santa claus.

Holiday fun time songs!!
Adolf the red nosed raindeer
had a very shiny nose
and when you die of cancer
you can blame it’s UV glow!

Jinglebells jinglebells jingle all the way
oh what fun it is to ride, your grandma as a sleigh
hey!

and new from (insert your favorite pop band here)

Deck the halls with TNT…
falalalalalalalaala
listen to the school kids scream..
falalalallalalallala
blame it on games and teeveee
falalallalalalalala
ignorance is the keyy!!
fala la la laaa la la la laaa..

Boredom is something that I don’t like. Recently well actually for the past few weeks or so, I’ve been watching TV when I’m bored, and though the discovery channel and all the channels they own (animal planet, science channel, TLC) are very interesting it gets boring although, right now I’m watching emergency vets. I like this show because it’s got animals and doctors but they’re not operating on people so it’s not as annoying to me. I was thinking “hmm maybe I should be a vet” then laughed at it. Me? Yeah 8 years of schooling! There goes that idea.

So recently I had the realization as someone called it. Realizing that one day I will need to work and have a job and what not. Then I started to think of how right now I’m heading in the exact opposite direction. So when the time comes I’m likely to end up either insane, living with my parents still, or turning everything around. I doubt I’d end up homeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I set goals but I do nothing to achieve them. So I suppose my continued existence does nothing to help the human race. Then again, maybe that’s what I wanted. How many people’s jobs actually help people?

With capitalism most peoples jobs are just to manipulate people to try and get them to buy things. I recently read this article by Ben Stein, the actor/lawyer/economist http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=64&e=3&u=/fo/20021213/bs_fo/2002_12_how_to_ruin_american_enterprise and it pretty much summed up exactly how I feel about capitalism. And despite it, it doesn’t change anything, in fact it just gives me more of an excuse to sit here and complain about capitalism. Well is that really a bad thing? To abide by it, I give into the flaws. To not, it makes it harder for me. I always managed to do little work causing more pain but still getting by. Maybe I wanted the pain or maybe I never saw it the other way so I am just falling deeper and deeper into a trap. Maybe I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about again. Maybe it’s that capitalism doesn’t benefit people like me. Maybe capitalism benefits the selfless media drone that you’re average teenager is. If America keeps this up, expect it to be all downhill.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing in this anymore because recently I’ve had nothing to write about. I’m tired of feeling so trapped on this planet. I don’t want to do what I always do but I’m too lazy to do anything else. I write about the same thing in different perspectives. I think about the same thing in different perspectives. It’s amazing that I write here because when I went to school I used to hate writing things. I always have memories of school and I question how clear those memories are. Most aren’t good ones. My final days in school were covered in paranoia due to my own stupidity. That wasn’t a good year. I don’t suppose this year was much better. It’s amazing how time flies yet it’s so short at the same time. When I look back it was not that long ago but when I’m in the process of doing it it seems forever but that’s only when I’m doing things I don’t like, or when I’m bored which brings me back to what I started off with.

So recently when I’ve been bored I’ve been doing things that I don’t really want to do but they help time fly. That’s normal though. So what have I accomplished? Well maybe the understanding of that, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s not going to mean that tomorrow all my problems will be solved so now what? I don’t know. I could do things I want to accomplish but I end up getting bored from those because they take a long time to accomplish so in the end I’m stuck in a loop. Instant gratification! Mental stimulation. I’m slowly dying and so are you. What’s to accomplish? Death. Oh wait I’m supposed to enjoy life before then. I guess I’m screwed. That’s giving up though. Why should that even matter? It’s nothing new.

I’m getting bored of being bored. I’ve been bored of that too.

Some people must really have nothing better to do with their life. I suppose you could say “Oh you’d be one to talk” but you know I may have my own problems but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t people worse then me. Using a second alias to start shit with people so they can backstab and or get information. This is what I have to go through thanks to meeting someone I wish I never met. I’m pretty sure about the second alias at least.

Of course they’d never admit it, why would they? It’s not like they’d admit anything because they just won’t tell you enough so you could try to verify it. I tell them things I already told them before as they try to get new information out of me under this alias. They want to know my friends and what not…pretty odd. Then I have to consider what happened. Suspiciously, a few people with relation to that person start trying to start up relations with a friend of mine. Quite odd huh?

I talked to my friend about it they tell me their views on it and they told me exactly what was on my mind, so I trusted they’d handle the situation properly. And so far so good. But this person…why? What did I do to them? Or maybe it’s what I didn’t do? Maybe all that time when I thought I was depending on them it was a mutual thing. Maybe now that they see I no longer care about them that’s it’s driven them through the roof. Maybe they feel the need to contact me even if it’s not using their primary internet alias.

You know, I’m tired of seeing the internet used as an excuse to avoid the real world. Even I’m guilty of that. Just a year or ago or so I quit using a program designed to create a fake world online. Can you imagine? The internet is now showing it’s true face to me. Communication? Yes. Look what’s missing though. All the micro-emotion involved with lying. All the bullshit signals you get from people in real life. You know, now that I’ve used the internet so much, it’s improved my bullshit signals from just speech alone, so when I see the emotional along with it, I can almost read through some people.

I got used to people lying, backstabbing, and bullshitting. You know, some people just suck. I don’t think discussing that same thing over and over with someone is really going to solve a world-wide multi-generation problem. I recently read that talking about something over and over while getting the same result is a form of insanity. I think that about sums up a few people I’ve known. Some people need to get over themselves, or maybe, learn about themselves so they can realise how irrational they’re being.

You know, recently I’ve actually felt I knew who I was for once. For the first time in my life I communicated with someone and didn’t really care what the result would be. I took a risk. On the internet, communication involves no risks. I’ve gotten away with calling people fucking idiots as if it was an everyday thing. You can fuck with people if you wish, and I’ve known people who have done so. It just proves how insecure they were about themselves. People just communicating in a chat, perhaps they’re not communicating about the most intelligent things in the world but they’re not doing anything bad, but this person just HAS to fuck it up. It’s like an instinct to them. So maybe they’re smart and can talk about things considered more intelligent. Big deal, it doesn’t make those people talking about less-smart things any better or worse.

I’m noticing that most people I know who I thought were smart, weren’t really smart in the ways that matter. Infact I felt I had to be smart in those areas too, because those people would try to make me feel inferior. I wanted to be like them. If only I knew then what I now know. Maybe they’re a programmer. Maybe they’re just good with computers or electronics or whatever, but when you’re insecure about yourself and you’re social skills are lacking your knowledge means nothing to someone who’s looking to hire someone, or someone looking for a friend. I have friends that aren’t really intelligent and ones that are but someone who just puts you down and blames you for everything is not really a friend. You could say, oh maybe that’s mutual. I suppose it very well could be if they were trying to make you be like them as much as possible. I can’t remember ever doing it to them though, they always managed to blame me. It’s not my fault for being who I am.

You know, I’m sure someone will read this and think I’m talking about them. And maybe I am, if it happens to be you. Either way it doesn’t matter. I know for a fact the person I am talking about doesn’t want to change. They like to take advantage of people, and since it’s never failed them they will most likely continue to do so. And it’s sure a sad thing too, because they really had potential as a friend, or so it seemed.

So, I saw the new bond movie. It was a bit overdone and recycled but I didn’t think it was too bad. The invisible car was just silly, they said it was based off LEP (light emitting polymers) and cameras. It’s sort of possible but first LEP is not completed yet, and then the fact that it wouldn’t work even close to as good as they made it in the movie, which was obviously done with special effects.

The bad guy has a giant laser in space, a total ripoff of Goldeneye, which I’d consider a better bond movie than Die Another Day, but oh well. Afterwards we went out to dinner and it was good. We get home and it happens to be present time. I get a cd, infact it’s my mom’s favorite band. No big deal right? I listen to it and it’s actually pretty good, but before I listened, something happened. I broke down. I don’t know why, but it happened once before. I felt as if I wasn’t going to listen to it or as if it was going to go to waste.

This happened once before…I got that Mach 3 Turbo razor and I had a Mach 3 already, not realizing that the turbo is the same damn thing with a new blade. I should have just got the blades but I didn’t know it wasn’t any different. I felt terrible that whole day over it and it didn’t even matter. I needed new blades anyway, so what I wasted like 3 dollars. It’s not that the money wasted mattered to me that didn’t even occur. I just couldn’t get over it. I ended up talking to my mom about it asking her which one she liked better and in the end I just forgot about it, it didn’t matter.

Anyway after I broke down I asked my mom if she wanted the cd, this was before even really listening to it, I told her I was going to rip it so it didn’t matter but I think I just wanted to get rid of it, I don’t know why to perhaps avoid me feeling so bad over it. Anyway she wanted me to rip it first (she didn’t entirely understand what I meant so I just basically said to copy it, which is pretty much what it is.) So I ripped it and in fact I’m listening to it now. CDs are a pain anyhow, my cd player is all full so it’s easier to just have the MP3s anyhow.

So I’m pretty much over it now but that doesn’t mean what happened didn’t happen so I’m trying to figure out why that happened. I’m thinking maybe I felt it was going to waste, or something? I don’t know but I hadn’t felt that way since I used to hoard things when I was much younger… Odd how now I’m feeling the same thing about the exact opposite.

I just ask for money on the holidays it’s much easier but my mom insists on buying me “stocking stuffers” (we have these stupid stockings in fact mine has a pikachu on it, ok kind of scary but I was like 12 when it was made.) So we have these stocking things (which is a christian thing anyway and my family is jewish) and that’s where all the presents are. It’s funny how my family not just my close family but my aunts and such too turn hanukkah essentially into a christmas with 8 candles. My aunt even has a hanukkah tree. What a joke.

I hate traditions and this seems to just continue that hatred. Some other bad traditions are: diamonds, holidays (all, including new years), marriage, religion, capitalism, and reproduction. There for it’s time for you all to simultaneously commit suicide. Or not. Let me continue on some of these traditions.

Diamonds. Women love them, but when you tell them that 12 starving africans had to suffer just to dig them out of a mine, what do women think about that? Most think it’s terrible, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting this “precious” gem. It’s only precious because it takes an arm and a leg to get them. Why do people even wear jewelry? Oh fashion! Oh yes what a necessary practice.

I never cared about my appearance much. I still don’t. It doesn’t matter. You watch TV and movies and you see these fake women. They give people false expectations of what to expect in non-anorexic-model men/women. So then what? People try like hell to imitate these models. Why? Oh well, I guess that’s their problem right? It’s funny how one’s problem can be because of society itself giving people bad ideas.

Me? My problem is exactly the opposite. I don’t accept society at all. Why should I anyhow? I’ve seen both sides and I get screwed either way. It’s bullshit. Maybe the world doesn’t have place for people like me. Or maybe I don’t want it to. Nah… That’s not it. If it was I’d not try to change it, but I do.

If anyone thinks I want the world the way it is then they’re very wrong. I don’t want the world to be this way. I don’t want people being manipulated by TV. I don’t want people having false hopes. I don’t want to see the world the way it is but I have to, and since I do, I cannot live in it the way most people do and feel comfortable.

Some people may think I like helping people, because I help people solve their problems. The uneducated would think it’s because I like to help people, but that’s not it. I could care less about helping people. When somethings broken I like to mess with it until it’s fixed. That’s what I like to do. That’s what I will do. Even if I don’t succeed at least I tried.

And of course someone disagrees with me. A demon in a mask, I once thought. Try to control me? You’re dealing with a rabid raccoon. You’ll be the one being controlled in the end, but not by me, by trying to control me.

I’m concluding this now. I’ve written more then I thought I would be able to but it sure as hell feels good. Take that, rabid one.

Time to stop calling “smart” people “gifted” and to stop calling classes for “smart” kids “honor” classes, because I’ve decided that you’re all dumb. Why do people say anyones smart anyhow? Is that even a good thing? I remember one time this kid who was relatively into sports and had been mean to me once or twice just came up to me out of no where and says something like “are you like a genius or something?” I was like I dunno or something like that. He still thought I was afterwards. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I liked things and knew more about things that the average person my age does not?

So I have different interests. Big woop, that doesn’t make one smart in it. In school I never really met anyone with interests even remotely similar to mine. I do have friends but we only really share a few things in common: we like video games. That’s okay though your average person my age likes that kind of stuff. So it’s something I share, but considering the majority of my interests most people don’t share you can imagine how being in school felt kind of stupid.

Not only could I not relate to other people I was bad at communicating in common so it was all down hill. How can I even learn to communicate when I can’t even find anyone who shares an interest even remotely similar enough to communicate about? So I had no practice either. That’s not to mention I used to not care much about school work either. It still isn’t a favorite thing of mine. I didn’t start shit with kids, they usually did with me, but I usually started shit with teachers.

So maybe I have a few interests in which I’m good at. Perhaps not the best but okay what’s that matter anyway if I’m not the best? That’s where a problem starts though. People can expect too much from one. I’m good at certain things and maybe I’m terrible at school. Or maybe I just never tried, but if that’s the case, I haven’t really tried much at anything. It’s just me getting lucky as I wrote previously.

So basically I’m still writing about the same thing just now on a different level and even though I’m writing about it I still haven’t accomplished shit other then me writing this. I don’t like doing anything other then nothing and nothing consists of an extremely repetitive pattern.

I’m starting to think maybe I’m OCD. I was always said to have anxiety and hyperactive but I look at the past. I can remember hoarding things when I was younger. My life seems like a giant pattern. Wake up go to bed wake up go to bed do things in the middle eat sleep wake up go to bed wake up I AM GETTING BORED OF BEING HUMAN.

I was thinking once, what if theres an alien race that is so much different mentally that a year is only a second to them. I’m saying this creature thinks in a slower but larger manner. So it can fully function except it lives very long amounts of time and it’s thinking stretches that whole period of time which seems like an instant to them, but forever to us. Seems weird huh? I think it’s possible. I don’t see why not.

Thing is a creature like that would seem very odd to us not to mention it would change so slowly that we wouldn’t notice. They could also travel extremely long distances in time frames that seem like nothing to them. Under these conditions, they could technically travel long distances extremely fast without breaking Einstein’s theory of relativity.

So what, a creature that takes waiting to the next level? Funny that I’d think of that because if that’s the next level I’m the step in between. Taking waiting to the next level is my specialty.

I sit here thinking about how we’re in this giant universe again. I watch everyone slowly but surely end their lives and doing the tasks survival requires. I get the impression that I’m supposed to follow but you see after noticing it and realizing why the whole thing seems like a joke. I mean what am I supposed to do, continue being a human? Well I guess I don’t have much of a choice with that but that doesn’t mean I have to do the things “regular” humans do. Or do I? Maybe I’d end up on the streets if I didn’t, maybe I wouldn’t.

You know the average human is very ignorant. Infact they’re so ignorant that they’re ignorant of it. It’s a paradox of ignorance. I see a neighbor drive home, drives up, parks his car, brings the dog out and is playing with it, while I sit here from my window with my cat trying to fix the screen on my window. As they drive up I notice they slow down as if they’re looking at me with the cat (who was on the windowsill) and then they park and proceed to play with the dog or what not. I have no idea if it was intentional or not but considering in the past I’ve known people who’d do things like that to try and compete or compare or whatever the fuck. Oh well, dogs are stupid anyway. They’re followers, like your average human is. Man’s best friend indeed.

I can’t anymore consider humans intelligent, though we’re supposed to be, but why? Surviving efficiently is intelligence. Humans are very inefficient at surviving so why do we consider ourselves so smart? Oh wow, we can make tools and stockpile our food and all this stuff, and we learned to care. Why care? It’s just more of a burden on survival. Plus we waste resources trying to try save those who are going to die anyway. That’s on top of all the resources we waste from other things. I bet I sound like Hitler or something. Oh yes kill the weak blah blah. I’m not saying we should go do that, evolution has made us differently so we care for our weak and try to make them strong. Either way has a downside so why do either? Why not put efficiency in front of quantity? Nah, capitalism would hate you then. Quantity over quality is the key thing. Especially when it comes to money. Maybe I’m confused. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve lost all hope.

Maybe I’m a schizophrenic lost in my own world. Maybe I’m obsessive compulsive with my repetitive life. Maybe I have ADD, hyperactive I am. Maybe I’m social phobic, people I fear? I don’t fear people though. I just hate them. I’m sure that sounds a bit silly because you can’t hate everyone without hating yourself that may be so but maybe I should be more specific about what I hate. I hate how we’re on a tiny little planet in a giant realm of space and then we make silly laws that define how one is supposed to live. Sanity and insanity are the same thing it’s just whatever society wants a person to be.

Prohibition despite this world being so into it is just holding back the inevitable. I think of how we make laws making material things illegal and then think of how silly that is. They’re not the problem it’s the people that are the problem. The people break the laws are just as bad as the people who make them. You can’t prohibit a material object. Capitalism is all about materialism though. And since America owns the planet everyone else obeys or you get a bomb shoved up your ass. Maybe everyone doesn’t have the same opinion as me.

Maybe Mrs.Christian from HickTown, Alabama thinks drugs should be illegal so Johnny Christian won’t do them. Maybe whether or not Johnny does them has nothing to do with legalities ever think of that Mrs.Christian? No way! Ignorance is the key! Video games cause violence remember? Make video games illegal! Pretend bad parenting doesn’t exist! Instead, make commercials on TV blaming the parents. I see these commercials “Parents, The AntiDrug” and of course a few minutes before they have the commercial saying “1 in 4 parents do drugs.” Oh okay, so parents are the AntiDrug? No I don’t think so. Whether or not someone does drugs most likely has absolutely nothing to do with the parents. More then likely it has to do with the persons personality. Some people just MAY be more likely to do things then other people. So it’s that persons fault.

That can’t be right though! Mrs.Christian’s Johnny is such a perfect little boy! And the persons personality may just be part genetic, part from life experiences. And maybe those life experiences had nothing to do with the parents, or maybe they did, but laying guilt trips on the parents is not going to help. I see so many guilt trip commercials from this “Ad Council” on TV. What is Ad Council anyway? They should just call it Propaganda Council because everything I’ve seen by it was pure 100% American Propaganda. And the sad part is, it’s very manipulative and misinformed. The commercial with the girl who’s like “the thing is I’m trying to establish my own identity without my parents talking to me I’m much more likely to smoke pot and stuff” I wonder who the fuck wrote that, because I don’t know anyone who says things like that. As if pot is that bad anyway. Alcohol is much worse and it’s beyond fact at this point. The government doesn’t like to be wrong so you’ll just have to live with that.

The racism commercials, there’s one with the guy at the office desk and they’re interviewing an Arabian looking guy for a job interview and then after the guys leaves the executive or whatever is like “I think we have enough color in here” and takes the piece of paper, throws it in the trash, and says 2 points! There’s also the one with the little girl on the playground and a black girl calls her over and the moms like “why don’t you play with those other kids” and shes just like “why?” Thing about these “anti-racism” commercials is that they’re bullshit. No real racists act like that. Not to mention that just about everyone I know is racist in one way or another. Black, White, Indian, blah blah I don’t care fuck them all. I’m tired of this crap. I hate this country and this whole planet for being so stupid.

Oh but who am I to judge if it’s stupid, maybe it’s me that’s stupid. If I’m wrong, so be it, I’m stupid. Thing is, people always tell me I’m smart. You know what, I don’t care if I’m smart or stupid so if I’m wrong, fuck you. So maybe I’m maybe I’m an obsessive schizophrenic hyperactive idiot but at least I’m not you.

I feel like writing something. I’m not sure what to write though. Maybe I should write about what I’m thinking but lately everything I’ve been thinking I just forget about so apparently I don’t care. I think at first when I got this journal I was kind of pissed off at everything but now I’m not really pissed off at things as much. Sometimes I get pissed at something but not as much as I used to. Oh well.

Maybe I should write more? Or maybe I should stop. If I don’t have anything to write about then I can’t possibly write anything other then a silly rant like this. It’s a rant with no meaning because it had no point in the first place. Nothingness is a really just a loop. It’s November and I don’t even care. I’m waiting for things but it’s a wait that doesn’t end because after one wait ends I’ll just find something new to wait for. Of course theres always the things that I’ve been waiting on for a while and they’re usually things that require me to do something so apparently those won’t happen unless I get lucky. That used to happen a lot. Now it doesn’t.

My method is broken. Now what? Maybe I should stop waiting and make use of the time I have…but why? Waiting is easier, you don’t have to do anything. You know all through my life I was punished by waiting at school. It first started in kindergarten. I made fun of dixie cups, yes I called them dick cups or something like that. Anyway they made me sit in some room that seemed to be like 1.5m wide and 2m tall and that was my punishment. Later on after that I used to get sent there even more, that was just the beginning. In 3rd grade there was tons of that, being throw into empty rooms, then choosing to be in empty rooms. In Jr. High I had an in school suspension for telling the counselor off but you know what I don’t regret it at all. They made me sit in a blue room about the same size as the one from kindergarten and this time I had to do work but really the difference was little from the punishment used in kindergarten, the work was easier then it was in a classroom, no annoying kids bothering me. Detention isn’t much different. I don’t see why people think that’s punishment, it really is ineffective.

All that shit is over now and honestly I don’t care much about it. That is one of the things I was thinking of before. When I started writing this I thought I had forgot but I didn’t apparently. Oh well I’m not sure how relevant it is to truth.

I’m so tired of this shit. So last night these kids are bothering my mom, one tries to steal the bucket of candy and another going on about how the year before they were shot at or what not…which isn’t too far from the truth. 2 years before these kids were sneaking up on the property, I was prepared as the year before they had lit a fire and did some other stupid shit, anyway I fired a blank shot up in the air and they ran off, dropping 2 packs of firecrackers and some toilet paper. So they were caught, guilty. So they’re harassing my mom over this and some kids that came afterwards identified one of them as Chris. I mentioned to my mom that a kid named Peter had mentioned the bbgun thing to me a while back on the bus when I used to go to the jr. high…anyway my mom somehow gets the idea that this kid Peter was the kid who was bothering her and that the kids who identified Chris also had Identified Peter, but I noticed her changing the story from the original, only Chris was named. So she decides to call this Peter kid’s parents, against my wishes. My mom’s like breaking down on the phone to them and is saying all this stupid shit about how their kid is harassing her and what not and going on about how her son wouldn’t do that and that I stopped going out on halloween when I was 11 (which was a lie) blah blah you know I’m so sick and tired of my mom bragging about me and she does it way too much. It just shows how insecure she is about me especially while shes breaking down on the phone to some stranger. I told her what if she’s wrong, what if they weren’t the person who did it. She claims she doesn’t care. Then later on they call back denying that this kid was even there. At this point my mom asks my sister why she picked up and explains how we have caller id and what not…well gee..she called them and they called back once already and they talked…not as if she told us not to pick it up. So basically blaming it on us. She obviously cared. She said that even if she was wrong it would somehow stop the kids from doing stupid shit on halloween, hah yeah right. I’m sure it’ll happen next year too and the police around here don’t even give a rats ass. They probably get so many calls on halloween anyhow. My mom doesn’t seem to realise that these kids try to do stupid things specifically to my house most likely because they have a grudge against me, but oh no why would she understand that? I’m so perfect and smart why would that ever happen in this crimeless suburban town. I’m more mad at my mom for not listening to me then anything. After the incident happened, but before the phone call, my mom was being totally irrational and grabs this metal rod from the fireplace acting as if the kids will come back and as if she was going to hit them with it, she opens the door and yells out “come and get it boys” or something like that. I’m sorry but lately my mom has been acting very irrational and my dad and sister are lazy as always and I’m just sitting here accomplishing nothing as always and this whole family is fucked up beyond belief, yay! I need a fucking break. I don’t know how I should feel right now but it seems like a mixture of embarrassment and anger.

fuckin’ a

Oh yay, it’s halloween. What a joyous day! A bunch of kids mooching candy off of people all because of some silly myths from the past. You know what I’ve decided. I hate kids. I’m never having kids, never. I’m going to be that old man that lives in a house in the middle of no where with tons of cats and a shotgun, yes that’s right a shotgun. So when the kids come for halloween I’ll whip it out and shoot at them. Loaded with blanks, of course, but it will be fun none the less. So I’m here listening to music and my windows are open as normal, because my room is always hot and it’s cold out and I have to hear these kids outside screaming, yes screaming. Why on this day do kids get to be obnoxious? I don’t know. Perhaps to scare off the evil spirits or whatever the fuck the point of halloween is. Pumpkins are cool, infact, cooler then kids. Pumpkin pie is even cooler. I only went out for halloween a few times, never did I act like that. I suppose I’m not one to talk. I hate being loud and making a scene. Even though I know I was once a kid, and I acted dumb. I know I did. If I had kids I’d also need a time machine, that way I can stick them in it and fast forward them about 20 years. I just finished rearranging and connecting some things and of course when I’m done and trying to take a break I get to listen to the sounds of obnoxious kids screaming! I thought halloween was to scare off evil spirits why the fuck isn’t anyone scaring off the kids? There’s definitely evil there. That will be my job.